If you are under the age of 20, then sooner or later you will experience what is written in this blog.
True, the music may change. As might the places you meet. The things you do. All of that may be different.
But the rest will NEVER change.
Two people meet.
They become everything to one another.
Then they part.
And it hurts.
If you've experienced that - then this blog is for you.
If you've not yet experienced that - then this blog is also for you.
How to read it
Start at the earliest entry (March 16th) and then read each day.
Play the music too - as it was the music of the time - but feel free to skip what you dont like.
Lessons to learn?
Enjoy what you have.
Whilst you have it.
It soon passes.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Epilogue - 1990
Time passes.
Years go by.
And the story is almost over.
Almost...
Ten long years have passed since those soulful, wonderful days and evenings with Julie. I am no longer a teenager. Life has lost some of it's charm.
It is now summer, 1990. I am walking over the park with JR one evening.
I havent been over here for a very long time.
Maybe four or five years.
As we walk around the lake, we near the sand-hills.
We are talking about something and nothing.
And then I notice that a girl is sitting on top of the sand-hills.
She is alone.
We get nearer...
I must be going mad.
It looks just like Julie.
No.
Incredibly, it is Julie.
It is her!
I have not seen her at all for eight or nine years.
We have not spoken since that day in October 1980 when we said goodbye to each other.
Then JR sees her too and, good friend that he is, he immediately remembers an urgent phone call he has to make.
"Meet you in a bit at the chippy?" he says.
"Yeah", I say, "Sure".
And so I walk over to her.
Slowly.
Uncertain.
I get closer, and begin to climb the low hills towards her.
Suddenly she sees me and smiles a huge smile.
I get closer still and I see that she hasnt really changed. Looks just the same.
Or maybe, like me, she does look a little older and a little less excited by life.
But otherwise, she is still that same girl I loved so very much.
And suddenly here we are, face to face.
For the first time in years.
She seems really pleased to see me.
I ask her what she is doing here?
"Nothing in particular", she says.
I sit down next to her.
We talk for a bit.
She asks me what I am doing, who I am seeing, I tell her.
I ask her the same. She tells me. She now has children.
So we are both seeing someone. Both pretty serious.
We talk a little more.
Maybe twenty minutes in total.
Then there is a short awkward silence and so we both make our excuses to leave.
"So what were you doing over here?" I ask her as we both stand up ready to go.
Julie pauses for a moment. She looks at the lake. Then at the sky.
Then she turns to me; "What were you doing here?" she asks by way of reply.
I shrug. Neither of us really know why we are here.
We just both are here.
Then we say goodbye. For the very last time.
As I leave the park I look over my shoulder and I see her leaving the park.
Alone.
By the far gate.
That very same gate we used so often in that wonderful time.
All those years ago.
Five minutes later and I am at the chip shop.
JR is waiting outside for me.
We go in.
And then I notice the date on the calendar behind the counter.
It is July 2nd.
It was ten years ago to the very day that Julie and I split up.
I'm struckdumb.
I can't believe it.
The coincidence is too great.
Had Julie remembered it?
Had I?
Had we both somehow felt that we had to get in touch with that younger, kinder time?
Is that why she was over the park this evening and on "our" sandhills?
Is that why I was there too for the first time in so many years?
Or was it all really just a strange coincidence?
Suddenly I realise JR is asking me if I want a packet of chips.
And the man behind the counter is staring at me.
"Just a coincidence", I say out loud.
The man shakes his head, hesitates, and then says "Is that with or without salt and vinegar?"
Music: Led Zeppelin, Ten Years Gone
FIN
Years go by.
And the story is almost over.
Almost...
Ten long years have passed since those soulful, wonderful days and evenings with Julie. I am no longer a teenager. Life has lost some of it's charm.
It is now summer, 1990. I am walking over the park with JR one evening.
I havent been over here for a very long time.
Maybe four or five years.
As we walk around the lake, we near the sand-hills.
We are talking about something and nothing.
And then I notice that a girl is sitting on top of the sand-hills.
She is alone.
We get nearer...
I must be going mad.
It looks just like Julie.
No.
Incredibly, it is Julie.
It is her!
I have not seen her at all for eight or nine years.
We have not spoken since that day in October 1980 when we said goodbye to each other.
Then JR sees her too and, good friend that he is, he immediately remembers an urgent phone call he has to make.
"Meet you in a bit at the chippy?" he says.
"Yeah", I say, "Sure".
And so I walk over to her.
Slowly.
Uncertain.
I get closer, and begin to climb the low hills towards her.
Suddenly she sees me and smiles a huge smile.
I get closer still and I see that she hasnt really changed. Looks just the same.
Or maybe, like me, she does look a little older and a little less excited by life.
But otherwise, she is still that same girl I loved so very much.
And suddenly here we are, face to face.
For the first time in years.
She seems really pleased to see me.
I ask her what she is doing here?
"Nothing in particular", she says.
I sit down next to her.
We talk for a bit.
She asks me what I am doing, who I am seeing, I tell her.
I ask her the same. She tells me. She now has children.
So we are both seeing someone. Both pretty serious.
We talk a little more.
Maybe twenty minutes in total.
Then there is a short awkward silence and so we both make our excuses to leave.
"So what were you doing over here?" I ask her as we both stand up ready to go.
Julie pauses for a moment. She looks at the lake. Then at the sky.
Then she turns to me; "What were you doing here?" she asks by way of reply.
I shrug. Neither of us really know why we are here.
We just both are here.
Then we say goodbye. For the very last time.
As I leave the park I look over my shoulder and I see her leaving the park.
Alone.
By the far gate.
That very same gate we used so often in that wonderful time.
All those years ago.
Five minutes later and I am at the chip shop.
JR is waiting outside for me.
We go in.
And then I notice the date on the calendar behind the counter.
It is July 2nd.
It was ten years ago to the very day that Julie and I split up.
I'm struckdumb.
I can't believe it.
The coincidence is too great.
Had Julie remembered it?
Had I?
Had we both somehow felt that we had to get in touch with that younger, kinder time?
Is that why she was over the park this evening and on "our" sandhills?
Is that why I was there too for the first time in so many years?
Or was it all really just a strange coincidence?
Suddenly I realise JR is asking me if I want a packet of chips.
And the man behind the counter is staring at me.
"Just a coincidence", I say out loud.
The man shakes his head, hesitates, and then says "Is that with or without salt and vinegar?"
Music: Led Zeppelin, Ten Years Gone
FIN
October 1980
October.
And I discover that Julie is now engaged.
That self same issue that broke us up.
That thing she wanted so much.
That thing I knew would break us apart.
On hearing the news, I dont know whether to laugh or cry.
But, partly out of a sense of duty - I suppose - but also out of a sense of love and longing, I do - finally - phone Julie and ask her to meet me.
She agrees.
I want to tell her not to go through with it.
Not to get married at such a young age.
I know it wont work.
I know it wont last.
On 18th October 1980 we meet and talk.
The first time we have spoken to each other since we split up on the 2nd July.
Unfortunately, when Julie calls down to see me, she is with her new boyfriend - fiance, in fact - and our meeting is very brief. I do not say what I want to say. I cannot tell her that her marriage will not work.
We do exchange a few words.
And, as we do so, I look at her as I would look at a long lost art treasure. I long to touch her - but she is now "off limits". How bizarre life is.
Then I see her look at me, just as she used to look at me, but now she, too, can do nothing about it.
Then she says something and lisps a little as she does so.
I want to laugh. I loved that lisp. But I cannot laugh.
I want to hug her. But I can no longer do that either.
I want to hold her hand or touch her hair. I can no longer do that.
In the end we only talk briefly.
Then she says she has to go.
And so we say "goodbye" to each other.
As they walk off together I watch her.
On the one hand, it is heartbreaking. To see her arm around his waist. And his arm around her shoulders. His fingers lost in her long blonde hair.
But I also notice something else.
She does not seem to be so springy with him.
She is no longer so alive.
Her soul is no longer so young.
And then I realise it - for the first time - that we have both lost something.
We have parted.
Forever.
And in doing so we have both aged a little.
And afterwards?
Yes.
They marry in November 1980.
And, yes, by April 1981 - just a few months later - they have separated. Acrimoniously.
But by then I am moving in slightly different circles - seeing a girl from a different part of Birmingham.
No longer going to the Red Welly youth club. Nor to the Rio.
And me?
Well, in many ways, no-one ever replaces Julie.
No-one comes that close in quite that same way.
I mean, no-one captures that spirit of youthful beauty and optimism so much as her.
No other time is ever as 'clean' or as 'wonderful' as that time that we spent together.
None so innocent.
No spring so fragrant.
No evenings so warm and fresh.
But no, we never go out with each other again.
Life brings other opportunities our way, and we move on to them.
We go our own separate ways.
But - as we do so - we leave a little bit of ourselves back there, somewhere, together, forever, in an all too briefly shared past...
And I discover that Julie is now engaged.
That self same issue that broke us up.
That thing she wanted so much.
That thing I knew would break us apart.
On hearing the news, I dont know whether to laugh or cry.
But, partly out of a sense of duty - I suppose - but also out of a sense of love and longing, I do - finally - phone Julie and ask her to meet me.
She agrees.
I want to tell her not to go through with it.
Not to get married at such a young age.
I know it wont work.
I know it wont last.
On 18th October 1980 we meet and talk.
The first time we have spoken to each other since we split up on the 2nd July.
Unfortunately, when Julie calls down to see me, she is with her new boyfriend - fiance, in fact - and our meeting is very brief. I do not say what I want to say. I cannot tell her that her marriage will not work.
We do exchange a few words.
And, as we do so, I look at her as I would look at a long lost art treasure. I long to touch her - but she is now "off limits". How bizarre life is.
Then I see her look at me, just as she used to look at me, but now she, too, can do nothing about it.
Then she says something and lisps a little as she does so.
I want to laugh. I loved that lisp. But I cannot laugh.
I want to hug her. But I can no longer do that either.
I want to hold her hand or touch her hair. I can no longer do that.
In the end we only talk briefly.
Then she says she has to go.
And so we say "goodbye" to each other.
As they walk off together I watch her.
On the one hand, it is heartbreaking. To see her arm around his waist. And his arm around her shoulders. His fingers lost in her long blonde hair.
But I also notice something else.
She does not seem to be so springy with him.
She is no longer so alive.
Her soul is no longer so young.
And then I realise it - for the first time - that we have both lost something.
We have parted.
Forever.
And in doing so we have both aged a little.
And afterwards?
Yes.
They marry in November 1980.
And, yes, by April 1981 - just a few months later - they have separated. Acrimoniously.
But by then I am moving in slightly different circles - seeing a girl from a different part of Birmingham.
No longer going to the Red Welly youth club. Nor to the Rio.
And me?
Well, in many ways, no-one ever replaces Julie.
No-one comes that close in quite that same way.
I mean, no-one captures that spirit of youthful beauty and optimism so much as her.
No other time is ever as 'clean' or as 'wonderful' as that time that we spent together.
None so innocent.
No spring so fragrant.
No evenings so warm and fresh.
But no, we never go out with each other again.
Life brings other opportunities our way, and we move on to them.
We go our own separate ways.
But - as we do so - we leave a little bit of ourselves back there, somewhere, together, forever, in an all too briefly shared past...
August and September 1980
Over the next few weeks we do not see each other.
The truth is, there would be no point seeing her unless I had changed my mind about becoming engaged.
Or unless she had changed her mind? But how likely was that?
On one or two occassions I walk past her house.
But, thankfully, she is not there.
Other ideas come into my mind. Other thoughts.
I plan to do this. Or to do that.
But, in the end, I did nothing.
And, really, what can I do?
Julie and I had nothing else to say to each other.
And so it was that in this way, slowly, but surely, the days passed.
Julie's new boyfriend has always moved in slightly different circles from the rest of us...
And now that he is with her, he becomes invisible.
As does she.
She does not come up to the club.
She is not over the park. Which has now lost its interest and, quite soon, we all stop going over there.
She does not come to the Rio.
And I knew - inside - that as those days passed, Julie and her new boyfriend were becoming "close". As a couple. As her and I had been together.
And I knew that "our" time - mine and hers - was becoming 'The Past'.
That it was really over.
For once and for all.
The truth is, there would be no point seeing her unless I had changed my mind about becoming engaged.
Or unless she had changed her mind? But how likely was that?
On one or two occassions I walk past her house.
But, thankfully, she is not there.
Other ideas come into my mind. Other thoughts.
I plan to do this. Or to do that.
But, in the end, I did nothing.
And, really, what can I do?
Julie and I had nothing else to say to each other.
And so it was that in this way, slowly, but surely, the days passed.
Julie's new boyfriend has always moved in slightly different circles from the rest of us...
And now that he is with her, he becomes invisible.
As does she.
She does not come up to the club.
She is not over the park. Which has now lost its interest and, quite soon, we all stop going over there.
She does not come to the Rio.
And I knew - inside - that as those days passed, Julie and her new boyfriend were becoming "close". As a couple. As her and I had been together.
And I knew that "our" time - mine and hers - was becoming 'The Past'.
That it was really over.
For once and for all.
Sunday 10th August 1980
I finally decide to go to the youth club.
Almost the first thing I hear is that Julie is now going out with someone else.
I am emptied of feelings by this news.
Turned cold.
Julie is mine. She is my girlfriend. What the fuck is she doing being with someone else?
A little later I ask one of her close friends how it came about.
The answer makes me feel worse.
Much worse...
It seems Julie came to the youth club on the Sunday I came back from Devon.
Sunday the 27th July.
That same Sunday that I felt too tired and fed-up to visit the club.
But even worse news follows...
Her friend reckons that Julie came up the club to see me.
I don't know what to think.
I feel a strange but distant sense of panic.
I ask him, "Why? Why did she want to see me?"
He doesn't know what she wanted.
I ask myself, did we have a chance of getting back together? And I answer myself, it MUST have been that!
But....
At the end of the night, I was not there, and someone else was.
And he walked her home.
Did she ask him to?
Did he 'volunteer' himself?
Her friend does not know.
And a few days later they were going out with each other.
So.
What do I do now?
Go and see her? It's late. He might be there. On the doorstep. No! Not that!
Phone her? No. What if she is out somewhere with him? What then? Where are they? What are they doing?
In the end, I do nothing.
Because I do not know what to do.
Music: Ray Charles, I can't stop loving you
A little later I wonder - as I have before and since - how can it be like this?
How can two strangers become so close.
And then love one another.
They share thoughts. Feelings. Physical and mental contact.
And then - as now - something happens which makes all of that impossible.
If the split is mutual, I suppose it makes sense.
But where the split is not mutual it feels rather like having a limb torn off.
How and why is the world like this?
Needless to say, I hear and find no answer.
It strikes me then as a sad and rather callous world.
Sunday 27th July 1980
Today I return from Devon.
A day later than planned.
Tired and fed up I do not go to the youth club.
This has pretty substantial repercussions...
A day later than planned.
Tired and fed up I do not go to the youth club.
This has pretty substantial repercussions...
Saturday 12th July 1980
Today I start a fortnight holiday in Devon.
I'm sad to be going.
To be so far away from the girl I long to see.
BUT I'm also glad to be going.
To get away from the pressures of being in the city and the pressures of being so close - but so far - from my girl.
I'm sad to be going.
To be so far away from the girl I long to see.
BUT I'm also glad to be going.
To get away from the pressures of being in the city and the pressures of being so close - but so far - from my girl.
First week of July 1980
I don't see or contact Julie.
She doesn't contact me.
Does she feel the same as I do?
Does she have the same desire to hear that phone ring or the door knock?
Is she feeling the same emptiness? The same longing..... ?
The doubts creep in now that she is not here.
But yes.
Yes.
Of course she does.
Of course she feels the same.
She didn't leave me for the pleasure of it.
It must be hurting her at least as bad as it hurts me.
But.. like me, she does nothing about it.
We both know that this is an intractable issue.
We both know that 'we' are over.
She doesn't contact me.
Does she feel the same as I do?
Does she have the same desire to hear that phone ring or the door knock?
Is she feeling the same emptiness? The same longing..... ?
The doubts creep in now that she is not here.
But yes.
Yes.
Of course she does.
Of course she feels the same.
She didn't leave me for the pleasure of it.
It must be hurting her at least as bad as it hurts me.
But.. like me, she does nothing about it.
We both know that this is an intractable issue.
We both know that 'we' are over.
Wednesday 2nd July 1980
Once again it is a fine evening. Beautiful summer 1980.
A group of younger lads are taking a football over the woods.
Two young girls across the road are out playing on their bicycles.
The blackbird is sitting and singing on top of our neighbours chimney.
Julie and I have not met or even spoken since Sunday.
I have deliberately stayed away - not even phoning her - because I suspect I know what is to come.
But, of course, it can't be left undone.
So earlier on, I phoned Julie and asked her to come over the park.
"Everyone will be there", I say. And she agreed to meet me.
Now it is time to go.
And I walk along the road thinking back over some of the things she and I have done and said:
The first time I saw her at the club... Fern Kinney playing in the background... Her asking me to walk her home... My asking her for a kiss... Our first night out together at the Rio.... Standing on her doorstep, kissing, for ages and ages... Lying on the sandhills together... Wanting to stop time itself. The music... The bedroom.... She tells me she loves me... The smells of spring and summer.... Our arguing... Her tears.... The first split... The joy of getting back together...And now this...
I arrive at the park and I can see Julie sitting under the tall poplars.
Just down below the main gate. At the waters edge.
We meet and hug. We kiss.
Othere are there. Messing around. Talking. Enjoying themselves.
Julie stands beside me.
Her hand in the back pocket of my jeans. My hand in her back pocket.
Everyone talks.
Then we walk around the lake with the others.
And it seems to me that Julie makes sure we get further and further behind.
Her hand still on my arse. And mine on hers.
How strange.
And yet we both know what is coming...
By the Sea Scouts "pier" we stop.
And we sit down.
Now we are alone. Beside the lake.
It is so nice to be here. With her.
We sit for a while.
A fish plops in the water.
The sun shines a little lower in the sky.
My arm now around her shoulders.
Her blonde hair so light in the evening sun.
Then she says it again as I knew she would.
She wants us to split up.
I feel physically sick. I say it's mad to do this. We are so happy together.
But she says she is not happy. Not any more. Not unless I can "commit" to her.
I have no answer.
And so there is a brief silence.
Once again she says she wants us to split up.
All because I wont get engaged and she wants us to.
The world has gone fucking mad.
I remind her that I will be going on holiday for a fortnight in about ten days time. And that she should leave it until I get back.
She says yes.
Then she shakes her head and says no.
I look away from her so that I do not cry.
Everyone else is now right around the other side of the lake. On "our" sandhills.
How things have changed since that wonderful evening in April.
Dear God, WHY oh why didnt time stop then as I asked it to?
Why have we had to reach this point?
What great end does it serve to split us up?
Julie then fidgets out from under my arm.
She says she wants to go home.
Now.
I know it.
And so we walk off.
Hand in hand.
Out of the park.
Leaving it together for a final time.
Music: Lou Reed, Just a perfect day
For one last time together we pass the old library together.
Pass the catholic church. The British Legion.
I recall walking past them some weeks before. In April. The first night I walked her home.
The ecstasy of that time contrasting with the empty misery of this.
Finally her house is in sight.
I'm sure I can taste dust from the gutters. It has been really warm and mostly dry for a while.
I can smell summer too. The perfumes. But there is little joy in any of it now.
We get closer to her house.
We dont talk now.
I dont know what to say. And she has nothing left to say.
At last - and yet too soon - we reach her house.
We stop at the end of her path.
She says she is going in.
I say "OK".
And I let go of her hand for the very last time in my life.
She walks up the path and reaches the door.
She turns and looks.
We catch each others eye. And we half smile.
She goes in.
The door is closed.
No words. None are needed.
And something is lost forever.
I sigh heavily to myself.
I then turn and walk home. The longest possible way.
I stop at the gates of my old junior school.
And I spend an hour sitting on a wall just staring at the ground.
Before I finally decide to go home.
Very much alone.
IT IS OVER.
A group of younger lads are taking a football over the woods.
Two young girls across the road are out playing on their bicycles.
The blackbird is sitting and singing on top of our neighbours chimney.
Julie and I have not met or even spoken since Sunday.
I have deliberately stayed away - not even phoning her - because I suspect I know what is to come.
But, of course, it can't be left undone.
So earlier on, I phoned Julie and asked her to come over the park.
"Everyone will be there", I say. And she agreed to meet me.
Now it is time to go.
And I walk along the road thinking back over some of the things she and I have done and said:
The first time I saw her at the club... Fern Kinney playing in the background... Her asking me to walk her home... My asking her for a kiss... Our first night out together at the Rio.... Standing on her doorstep, kissing, for ages and ages... Lying on the sandhills together... Wanting to stop time itself. The music... The bedroom.... She tells me she loves me... The smells of spring and summer.... Our arguing... Her tears.... The first split... The joy of getting back together...And now this...
I arrive at the park and I can see Julie sitting under the tall poplars.
Just down below the main gate. At the waters edge.
We meet and hug. We kiss.
Othere are there. Messing around. Talking. Enjoying themselves.
Julie stands beside me.
Her hand in the back pocket of my jeans. My hand in her back pocket.
Everyone talks.
Then we walk around the lake with the others.
And it seems to me that Julie makes sure we get further and further behind.
Her hand still on my arse. And mine on hers.
How strange.
And yet we both know what is coming...
By the Sea Scouts "pier" we stop.
And we sit down.
Now we are alone. Beside the lake.
It is so nice to be here. With her.
We sit for a while.
A fish plops in the water.
The sun shines a little lower in the sky.
My arm now around her shoulders.
Her blonde hair so light in the evening sun.
Then she says it again as I knew she would.
She wants us to split up.
I feel physically sick. I say it's mad to do this. We are so happy together.
But she says she is not happy. Not any more. Not unless I can "commit" to her.
I have no answer.
And so there is a brief silence.
Once again she says she wants us to split up.
All because I wont get engaged and she wants us to.
The world has gone fucking mad.
I remind her that I will be going on holiday for a fortnight in about ten days time. And that she should leave it until I get back.
She says yes.
Then she shakes her head and says no.
I look away from her so that I do not cry.
Everyone else is now right around the other side of the lake. On "our" sandhills.
How things have changed since that wonderful evening in April.
Dear God, WHY oh why didnt time stop then as I asked it to?
Why have we had to reach this point?
What great end does it serve to split us up?
Julie then fidgets out from under my arm.
She says she wants to go home.
Now.
I know it.
And so we walk off.
Hand in hand.
Out of the park.
Leaving it together for a final time.
Music: Lou Reed, Just a perfect day
For one last time together we pass the old library together.
Pass the catholic church. The British Legion.
I recall walking past them some weeks before. In April. The first night I walked her home.
The ecstasy of that time contrasting with the empty misery of this.
Finally her house is in sight.
I'm sure I can taste dust from the gutters. It has been really warm and mostly dry for a while.
I can smell summer too. The perfumes. But there is little joy in any of it now.
We get closer to her house.
We dont talk now.
I dont know what to say. And she has nothing left to say.
At last - and yet too soon - we reach her house.
We stop at the end of her path.
She says she is going in.
I say "OK".
And I let go of her hand for the very last time in my life.
She walks up the path and reaches the door.
She turns and looks.
We catch each others eye. And we half smile.
She goes in.
The door is closed.
No words. None are needed.
And something is lost forever.
I sigh heavily to myself.
I then turn and walk home. The longest possible way.
I stop at the gates of my old junior school.
And I spend an hour sitting on a wall just staring at the ground.
Before I finally decide to go home.
Very much alone.
IT IS OVER.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Sunday 29th June 1980
When I get to the youth club on Sunday, Julie is already there.
We walk up to each other, on the landing, and take each others hands.
We pull each other towards one another.
And we kiss on the lips.
I ask her how she is. She tells me she is fed up.
The sun is out. The music is disco. And so I suggest we go and sit outside.
We go out. Sit on the steps of the church.
Somewhere in the distance I can hear thunder.
I have my arm around her shoulders.
And she is very happy for me to do that.
"What is this all about?" I ask her. "Why are we coming apart like this?"
"I dont know. I just want to be sure of what we have", she says.
"We are sure", I say.
It's hard to progress any further.
I've told her that I want us to stay as we are.
But, really, neither of us want that.
I know it. She knows it.
We want to get closer to each other.
But she won't get closer unless she feels 'sure of what we have'.
We sit together for a little bit longer.
The distant storm seems to get closer.
She turns and looks straight into my eyes.
"I think we'll have to split up".
Despite everything, this comes as a shock.
And I dont know what to say.
I touch her cheek.
She does not flinch.
It seems completely natural to both of us that I do this.
"Why?" I eventually say. Managing not to cry.
"I'm fed up arguing. I'm fed up going through this every time we meet", is almost the worst answer she can give me, and yet the very one she does.
I look at the ground.
What to say? Or to do?
"Can we go now?" she says, "I mean, will you walk me home?"
It is only 8.30pm.
But what can I say?
"Yeah, sure".
We walk slowly back in the evening sunlight.
Back along these now familiar roads.
Past now familiar landmarks.
We walk arm in arm.
There is no anger or bitterness tonight.
"Shall we go to the off licence?" I suggest, as we near her front door.
"No, I dont want to. I just want to go home".
So we stop. Just there, where we are. At the end of her path.
Holding both of her hands in mine.
We kiss.
Long and passionately.
Almost like a farewell. But somehow I know it's not that. Not yet.
Then we part.
And I watch her walk up her drive and into her house.
I walk home.
Slowly.
And then it starts to rain a heavy thundery rain.
We walk up to each other, on the landing, and take each others hands.
We pull each other towards one another.
And we kiss on the lips.
I ask her how she is. She tells me she is fed up.
The sun is out. The music is disco. And so I suggest we go and sit outside.
We go out. Sit on the steps of the church.
Somewhere in the distance I can hear thunder.
I have my arm around her shoulders.
And she is very happy for me to do that.
"What is this all about?" I ask her. "Why are we coming apart like this?"
"I dont know. I just want to be sure of what we have", she says.
"We are sure", I say.
It's hard to progress any further.
I've told her that I want us to stay as we are.
But, really, neither of us want that.
I know it. She knows it.
We want to get closer to each other.
But she won't get closer unless she feels 'sure of what we have'.
We sit together for a little bit longer.
The distant storm seems to get closer.
She turns and looks straight into my eyes.
"I think we'll have to split up".
Despite everything, this comes as a shock.
And I dont know what to say.
I touch her cheek.
She does not flinch.
It seems completely natural to both of us that I do this.
"Why?" I eventually say. Managing not to cry.
"I'm fed up arguing. I'm fed up going through this every time we meet", is almost the worst answer she can give me, and yet the very one she does.
I look at the ground.
What to say? Or to do?
"Can we go now?" she says, "I mean, will you walk me home?"
It is only 8.30pm.
But what can I say?
"Yeah, sure".
We walk slowly back in the evening sunlight.
Back along these now familiar roads.
Past now familiar landmarks.
We walk arm in arm.
There is no anger or bitterness tonight.
"Shall we go to the off licence?" I suggest, as we near her front door.
"No, I dont want to. I just want to go home".
So we stop. Just there, where we are. At the end of her path.
Holding both of her hands in mine.
We kiss.
Long and passionately.
Almost like a farewell. But somehow I know it's not that. Not yet.
Then we part.
And I watch her walk up her drive and into her house.
I walk home.
Slowly.
And then it starts to rain a heavy thundery rain.
Friday 27th June 1980
Night at the Rio.
Good - then bad.
We are OK with others around, as close as ever.
But once we are alone, at the end of the night, we soon cover the same ground.
Only now we do so with an almost bored resignation.
Especially on her part.
Why don't I just agree?
She wants me that much.
I want her that much.
Why do I rebel against it?
Music: The Selecter, Missing words
At the very end I ask her to come to the club on Sunday.
She says she will.
We kiss just briefly and I walk away.
I hear the door shut behind me.
I feel a horrible sense of slowly being abandoned by life itself.
Good - then bad.
We are OK with others around, as close as ever.
But once we are alone, at the end of the night, we soon cover the same ground.
Only now we do so with an almost bored resignation.
Especially on her part.
Why don't I just agree?
She wants me that much.
I want her that much.
Why do I rebel against it?
Music: The Selecter, Missing words
At the very end I ask her to come to the club on Sunday.
She says she will.
We kiss just briefly and I walk away.
I hear the door shut behind me.
I feel a horrible sense of slowly being abandoned by life itself.
Wednesday 25th June 1980
Sunday night (22nd) at the youth club was more or less a continuation of Saturday.
Her: "If you feel as strongly as I do, why cant we get engaged"?
Me: "Because we are too young".
And so it went on.
Wednesday evening. (25th). Same again.
On the way home, from a night recording some music, I call round at Julie's.
We have not seen each other since Sunday night at the club.
Well, anyway, she is not particularly pleased to see me.
It's late, I'm unexpected and she is ready for her bed.
We briefly pick up where we left off.
And it is only when I say I am going - and I am clearly pissed off - that she softens a little.
I am so pleased that she does so.
She is standing on the doorstep.
I reach up and put my arms around her and onto her arse.
She smiles. And leans down to kiss me.
From then on we just talk about nothing for a few minutes.
We agree to meet at the Rio on Friday. (I'm going to be over that way beforehand so I will meet her there).
I leave.
And, for now, we are happy enough.
But, for the first time, I see that we just cannot work this out.
And I dont know what to do.
Her: "If you feel as strongly as I do, why cant we get engaged"?
Me: "Because we are too young".
And so it went on.
Wednesday evening. (25th). Same again.
On the way home, from a night recording some music, I call round at Julie's.
We have not seen each other since Sunday night at the club.
Well, anyway, she is not particularly pleased to see me.
It's late, I'm unexpected and she is ready for her bed.
We briefly pick up where we left off.
And it is only when I say I am going - and I am clearly pissed off - that she softens a little.
I am so pleased that she does so.
She is standing on the doorstep.
I reach up and put my arms around her and onto her arse.
She smiles. And leans down to kiss me.
From then on we just talk about nothing for a few minutes.
We agree to meet at the Rio on Friday. (I'm going to be over that way beforehand so I will meet her there).
I leave.
And, for now, we are happy enough.
But, for the first time, I see that we just cannot work this out.
And I dont know what to do.
Saturday 21st June 1980
We meet up town to go to a concert.
We meet. We kiss. We talk.
Together, in the dark, everything seems OK. Just fine.
Music: Steve Hackett, Spectral Mornings
After the concert we go back together on the bus. Several of us. All having a laugh.
I stay on until Hurst Lane. Julie seems fine.
But, as we walk along from the bus back to her house she says, suddenly and quite coldly, "Unless we get engaged I want to end it".
Just like that.
It takes me completely by surprise.
Since getting back together, we had not mentioned being engaged.
We had not mentioned being engaged.
We had not mentioned commitment.
Nothing.
And yet now, suddenly, from nowhere, we find ourselves standing on her doorstep and going through the same old arguments.
We both love each other.
We both want to be together.
There is no-one and nothing else.
But she wants us to get engaged.
And I don't want us to.
We are too young.
The night ends with just a brief kiss.
And I more or less walk off in a huff.
And I try to forget that the problem exists.
Right will surely win out?
Won't it?
We meet. We kiss. We talk.
Together, in the dark, everything seems OK. Just fine.
Music: Steve Hackett, Spectral Mornings
After the concert we go back together on the bus. Several of us. All having a laugh.
I stay on until Hurst Lane. Julie seems fine.
But, as we walk along from the bus back to her house she says, suddenly and quite coldly, "Unless we get engaged I want to end it".
Just like that.
It takes me completely by surprise.
Since getting back together, we had not mentioned being engaged.
We had not mentioned being engaged.
We had not mentioned commitment.
Nothing.
And yet now, suddenly, from nowhere, we find ourselves standing on her doorstep and going through the same old arguments.
We both love each other.
We both want to be together.
There is no-one and nothing else.
But she wants us to get engaged.
And I don't want us to.
We are too young.
The night ends with just a brief kiss.
And I more or less walk off in a huff.
And I try to forget that the problem exists.
Right will surely win out?
Won't it?
Mid June 1980
Mid June sees time spent together at the youth club, at the Rio and around Shard End park - much as before.
Just as wonderful.
And just as if the earlier arguments and problems had never arisen.
We shared Spring 1980. And now we are sharing a summer together.
What a fantastic thing life can be!
Just as wonderful.
And just as if the earlier arguments and problems had never arisen.
We shared Spring 1980. And now we are sharing a summer together.
What a fantastic thing life can be!
Saturday 14th June 1980
Saturday evening is fine and bright. Julie comes down to my house. We want some space to be together for a change. So, although everyone else goes to the park. We stay in.
The window is open.
The perfumes are those of early summer.
As before, we sit on the bed.
And I put some music on the stereo.
Genesis mainly.
I light a few jossticks. We kiss. And we lie on the bed.
It was all of this, in early May, that made us 'change'.
I am very aware of this. And so I feel, in part, that we ought not to be here.
But then... we are young, and very naive.
We want to be here.
Together.
Like this.
Time passes.
Slow time.
Wonderful time.
I can hear kids playing outside. And Carpet Crawlers plays on the stereo.
Music: Genesis, The Carpet Crawlers
Later we go out. It's dark.
A warm summer evening.
We walk along past my old Junior school.
Hand in hand.
We pass the phone box from which I made those desperate calls.
We call into the chinese takeaway.
And then we sit like a couple of dust-happy paupers on the step of the travel shop.
Julie talks about her holidays as a child. More than once she lisps slightly. I dont know why I find that so endearing - but I do.
I'm aware that sitting like this is hardly everyone's idea of being romantic.
But I love being with this girl. I love being able to share her world. Physical or mental.
And she feels the same way about being with me.
We sit like this for a while.
But, before we know it, it is quite late.
And so I walk her home.
We've had another fantastic night together.
The window is open.
The perfumes are those of early summer.
As before, we sit on the bed.
And I put some music on the stereo.
Genesis mainly.
I light a few jossticks. We kiss. And we lie on the bed.
It was all of this, in early May, that made us 'change'.
I am very aware of this. And so I feel, in part, that we ought not to be here.
But then... we are young, and very naive.
We want to be here.
Together.
Like this.
Time passes.
Slow time.
Wonderful time.
I can hear kids playing outside. And Carpet Crawlers plays on the stereo.
Music: Genesis, The Carpet Crawlers
Later we go out. It's dark.
A warm summer evening.
We walk along past my old Junior school.
Hand in hand.
We pass the phone box from which I made those desperate calls.
We call into the chinese takeaway.
And then we sit like a couple of dust-happy paupers on the step of the travel shop.
Julie talks about her holidays as a child. More than once she lisps slightly. I dont know why I find that so endearing - but I do.
I'm aware that sitting like this is hardly everyone's idea of being romantic.
But I love being with this girl. I love being able to share her world. Physical or mental.
And she feels the same way about being with me.
We sit like this for a while.
But, before we know it, it is quite late.
And so I walk her home.
We've had another fantastic night together.
Tuesday 10th June 1980
It is as though we had never split up.
Julie and I meet over the park again.
Everyone is there.
It is a fine warm evening.
Music plays on the big cassette player.
Julie and I walk around all evening with my arm across her shoulders and her arm around my waist. (She 'fits' just right like that. And, as she seems to have a habit of kicking at things, it also helps to keep her upright!)
Tonight, as she usually does, she wears a thin cotton top. A hip length white kurta. But for once there is no denim jacket. Because it had been such a warm day.
As the evening wears on though, she gets chilly, and so she borrows my coat. Which swamps her but makes her look very cute....
We also meet on Thursday (12th) at the Red Welly.
And we get on just fine. Especially whilst the lights are off and the music is on.
Music: Phyllis Nelson, Move Closer
At the Rio on Friday (13th): Julie and I sit at the usual table and talk to Rav and his partner.
Being a few years older than us, they have just taken on a flat.
It makes us wonder - once more - as to how and where "we" can go, unless we have some space of our own.
The best we can arrange, for now, is to spend a few hours at my house - much as we did before in early May. When all the trouble began...
But as I walk Julie home, I don't care, I'm just happy that life feels great once again!
Julie and I meet over the park again.
Everyone is there.
It is a fine warm evening.
Music plays on the big cassette player.
Julie and I walk around all evening with my arm across her shoulders and her arm around my waist. (She 'fits' just right like that. And, as she seems to have a habit of kicking at things, it also helps to keep her upright!)
Tonight, as she usually does, she wears a thin cotton top. A hip length white kurta. But for once there is no denim jacket. Because it had been such a warm day.
As the evening wears on though, she gets chilly, and so she borrows my coat. Which swamps her but makes her look very cute....
We also meet on Thursday (12th) at the Red Welly.
And we get on just fine. Especially whilst the lights are off and the music is on.
Music: Phyllis Nelson, Move Closer
At the Rio on Friday (13th): Julie and I sit at the usual table and talk to Rav and his partner.
Being a few years older than us, they have just taken on a flat.
It makes us wonder - once more - as to how and where "we" can go, unless we have some space of our own.
The best we can arrange, for now, is to spend a few hours at my house - much as we did before in early May. When all the trouble began...
But as I walk Julie home, I don't care, I'm just happy that life feels great once again!
Saturday 7th June 1980
After nine days apart we are back together.
After work on Friday I went home.
Washed. Changed.
And then went straight to the phone.
I dreaded making this call more than any other.
As before I went into the red box.
Fumbled for the right change. Dialled.
This time I got the number wrong.
Dialled again.
It rang. And I thought, "in her house it is ringing". It was odd, almost disturbing, to know that in her house the phone was then ringing. And that she could answer it at any moment.
Then someone picked it up.
"Hi, Is Julie there?"
"Who is it?" said her Mother.
I told her.
"Oh, hello.. yes, just a minute, I'll fetch her for you".
Terrible and awkward instant.
Will she want to speak to me?
Will her mother come back on the line and tell me that Julie doesnt want to speak to me?
I heard the phone being picked up....
.... and it was Julie's voice.
The call was brief.
I said I just wanted to say "Hi" and ask her how she was.
She said 'hi'. She said she was fine. And asked me how I was.
I said I was OK. But that I was miserable without her.
She said she missed me and had been having a horrible time.
I asked her to meet me on Saturday. At the Park. At 2pm.
She agreed. She said she really wanted to see me again.
Saturday morning was a very nervous morning. I wish I had suggested we meet earlier.
Eventually the time came around and I got to the park a few minutes before 2pm.
I could see Julie by the far gate. Already here. And with her friend.
I started to walk around the lake. Annoyed that her friend was there. But really pleased that Julie was here.
The day was cool and grey. Not at all summer like.
Julie saw me. And almost immediately said goodbye to her friend. She had only brought her along for support. In case I didnt show. Or whatever.
And so we met just inside the park gates.
She looked so lovely. So young. So small. And somehow so sad.
"Hello", I said.
"Hello".
"Shall we walk around the lake?"
We did.
Well... there were some tears and a few harsh words. By both of us. But, more importantly, we agreed we were both miserable apart. She even said it first. Which delighted me.
We both wanted to be back together. But we couldn't see anyway of dealing with the problem.
Her: If we feel so much, we should commit.
Me: If we feel so much, we should not need to commit.
Eventually, we neared those sand-hills again, (April 14th, May 26th).
I walked towards them. She followed.
They were not steep - even back then - but they were steep enough to offer someone a hand.
And so I did. And she took it.
And so, holding her hand, we walked together to the top of the hill.
There I stopped. Looked into her eyes. She smiled.
I put my arms around her.
And, in response, she sort of burrowed into me.
Oh, God, but that felt good.
And so right.
And it seemed as if there was justice in the world. That the right things could sometimes happen.
Well, then we sat down.
I put my arm around her shoulders.
I asked her out again. And again she said yes.
We talked a little more. And we kissed.
It was chilly and, finally, it started to drizzle.
I walked her home. Arm around her shoulders. And her arm around my waist.
By the time we got to her house we were both wet.
We sat in her living room for an hour and dried off.
We arranged to meet during the week.
We were both happy.
Again.
After work on Friday I went home.
Washed. Changed.
And then went straight to the phone.
I dreaded making this call more than any other.
As before I went into the red box.
Fumbled for the right change. Dialled.
This time I got the number wrong.
Dialled again.
It rang. And I thought, "in her house it is ringing". It was odd, almost disturbing, to know that in her house the phone was then ringing. And that she could answer it at any moment.
Then someone picked it up.
"Hi, Is Julie there?"
"Who is it?" said her Mother.
I told her.
"Oh, hello.. yes, just a minute, I'll fetch her for you".
Terrible and awkward instant.
Will she want to speak to me?
Will her mother come back on the line and tell me that Julie doesnt want to speak to me?
I heard the phone being picked up....
.... and it was Julie's voice.
The call was brief.
I said I just wanted to say "Hi" and ask her how she was.
She said 'hi'. She said she was fine. And asked me how I was.
I said I was OK. But that I was miserable without her.
She said she missed me and had been having a horrible time.
I asked her to meet me on Saturday. At the Park. At 2pm.
She agreed. She said she really wanted to see me again.
Saturday morning was a very nervous morning. I wish I had suggested we meet earlier.
Eventually the time came around and I got to the park a few minutes before 2pm.
I could see Julie by the far gate. Already here. And with her friend.
I started to walk around the lake. Annoyed that her friend was there. But really pleased that Julie was here.
The day was cool and grey. Not at all summer like.
Julie saw me. And almost immediately said goodbye to her friend. She had only brought her along for support. In case I didnt show. Or whatever.
And so we met just inside the park gates.
She looked so lovely. So young. So small. And somehow so sad.
"Hello", I said.
"Hello".
"Shall we walk around the lake?"
We did.
Well... there were some tears and a few harsh words. By both of us. But, more importantly, we agreed we were both miserable apart. She even said it first. Which delighted me.
We both wanted to be back together. But we couldn't see anyway of dealing with the problem.
Her: If we feel so much, we should commit.
Me: If we feel so much, we should not need to commit.
Eventually, we neared those sand-hills again, (April 14th, May 26th).
I walked towards them. She followed.
They were not steep - even back then - but they were steep enough to offer someone a hand.
And so I did. And she took it.
And so, holding her hand, we walked together to the top of the hill.
There I stopped. Looked into her eyes. She smiled.
I put my arms around her.
And, in response, she sort of burrowed into me.
Oh, God, but that felt good.
And so right.
And it seemed as if there was justice in the world. That the right things could sometimes happen.
Well, then we sat down.
I put my arm around her shoulders.
I asked her out again. And again she said yes.
We talked a little more. And we kissed.
It was chilly and, finally, it started to drizzle.
I walked her home. Arm around her shoulders. And her arm around my waist.
By the time we got to her house we were both wet.
We sat in her living room for an hour and dried off.
We arranged to meet during the week.
We were both happy.
Again.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Thursday 5th June 1980
I just have to speak to her.
I leave the Red Welly earlier than usual. To walk the long way home.
I leave the Red Welly earlier than usual. To walk the long way home.
Via Hurst Lane.
Past her house.
Past her house.
But as I approach Julie's house I know that this is a mistake.
So I turn away.
Walk home.
But I just have to speak to her.
And now I am walking past a phone box.
I stop. Turn around. Go in.
Inside the box, it is very warm.
I fumble to find some change.
And as I dial her number, I can feel my heart pounding.
All sorts of thoughts race through my mind...
The phone must be ringing now. In her house.
What if she's with someone else?
What if she tells me it is over for good?
Finally the phone is picked up.
Her mother tells me that Julie has already gone to bed.
I am so relieved.
But then her mother asks me if I want to leave a message.
Do I want to leave a message?
I have to now.
And so I tell her to tell Julie that I will call again tomorrow...
So I turn away.
Walk home.
But I just have to speak to her.
And now I am walking past a phone box.
I stop. Turn around. Go in.
Inside the box, it is very warm.
I fumble to find some change.
And as I dial her number, I can feel my heart pounding.
All sorts of thoughts race through my mind...
The phone must be ringing now. In her house.
What if she's with someone else?
What if she tells me it is over for good?
Finally the phone is picked up.
Her mother tells me that Julie has already gone to bed.
I am so relieved.
But then her mother asks me if I want to leave a message.
Do I want to leave a message?
I have to now.
And so I tell her to tell Julie that I will call again tomorrow...
Tuesday 3rd June 1980
JR calls. Everyone is going up the park.
I don't feel like going, but I go anyway.
Near the park, by the shops, I see Julie.
We do not speak.
I am not even sure she sees me.
Music: Janet Kay, Silly games
Over the park. She is not there.
But later we meet again by chance.
Around 9.30pm as I leave the park I walk almost straight into her.
She is with a girl friend.
We smile briefly at each other.
We say hello. But no more than that.
Neither of us can now touch what was so recently shared.
Neither of us can kiss each other any more.
She seems to be as miserable as I am.
What do we do now?
We can't go on like this.
I don't feel like going, but I go anyway.
Near the park, by the shops, I see Julie.
We do not speak.
I am not even sure she sees me.
Music: Janet Kay, Silly games
Over the park. She is not there.
But later we meet again by chance.
Around 9.30pm as I leave the park I walk almost straight into her.
She is with a girl friend.
We smile briefly at each other.
We say hello. But no more than that.
Neither of us can now touch what was so recently shared.
Neither of us can kiss each other any more.
She seems to be as miserable as I am.
What do we do now?
We can't go on like this.
Sunday 1st June 1980
An evening out in the countryside.
The youth club is shut tonight. Because a coach is taking everyone to Windmill House.
Summer. The countryside.
But Julie isnt going to go.
And so the desolation of Friday is amplified tonight.
What should have been a great night out becomes a drudge.
I try to enjoy things. But things seem to have no purpose without Julie.
The coach trip back, at the end of the night, is even worse.
I could - should - have been with her.
Instead I sit near the front of the coach and talk to someone about football!
The youth club is shut tonight. Because a coach is taking everyone to Windmill House.
Summer. The countryside.
But Julie isnt going to go.
And so the desolation of Friday is amplified tonight.
What should have been a great night out becomes a drudge.
I try to enjoy things. But things seem to have no purpose without Julie.
The coach trip back, at the end of the night, is even worse.
I could - should - have been with her.
Instead I sit near the front of the coach and talk to someone about football!
Friday 30th May 1980
I wake up and then recall what has happened. That we have split.
I dont want to get up. Dont want to wake up.
I feel as if I dont want to live. Not without her.
I go to work and do not want to be there. Even more than usual.
For brief moments, during the day, I forget what has happened and life goes on - then it comes back to me.
Things are even worse, that evening, at the Rio.
For the last seven weeks I have been here with Julie.
Now I feel alone.
Even whilst surrounded by others. By friends. How it used to be. How I used to enjoy it so.
But now, tonight, I just feel alone.
The night ends with a lot of drink.
And very little pleasure.
I dont want to get up. Dont want to wake up.
I feel as if I dont want to live. Not without her.
I go to work and do not want to be there. Even more than usual.
For brief moments, during the day, I forget what has happened and life goes on - then it comes back to me.
Things are even worse, that evening, at the Rio.
For the last seven weeks I have been here with Julie.
Now I feel alone.
Even whilst surrounded by others. By friends. How it used to be. How I used to enjoy it so.
But now, tonight, I just feel alone.
The night ends with a lot of drink.
And very little pleasure.
Thursday 29th May 1980
On Wednesday morning I received a letter from Julie.
She goes over the same ground.
She tells me she thinks it is wonderful. That she loves me.
She mentions some of the things we do and have done together.
But she also insists that we must get engaged.
She tells me that she wants that more than anything else. And that, if I cant agree to it, then, obviously, I cant love her the same way she loves me.
And if that is the case, she goes on to say, then she wants us to split up.
She's already in too deep. And she cant get in any deeper without the commitment.
Finally, she tells me that I am to let her know what I think - definitively - at the youth club on Thursday. And that is this evening.
The day at work seems to be a life sentence. Interminable.
I feel I ought to ask some of my mates what to do. But I dont.
When it is time to go home, I dont want it to be. I'd rather just stay here at work and not go through this evening. But I am home earlier than usual.
I feel I ought to ask my parents what to do. But I dont.
On the way up the club I call for JR. We walk along the Heathway. And I remember doing the same thing with Julie just the other week...
Things were so much better then.
...
I arrive at the club.
The doors are open on this mild early summer evening.
I walk up the stairs. I dont speak to anyone.
I see Julie straight away. She does not come over.
I wait.
A few minutes pass.
She comes over to me.
Not the usual smile. But we do hug briefly. And we kiss briefly.
I say, "Shall we go outside".
We do.
A blackbird is singing. It is a lovely but sad evening song.
We talk.
But I'm not sure how much of it I am really aware of.
I'm not sure what is said. Or what is done.
Does any time pass? It must do so. Of course.
Then, at some point, I realise that she has gone.
And I walk back into the club. Climb the stairs. Legs heavy like lead.
I see JR and I ask him where Julie is.
He says she left, just, with her jacket.
"Was she upset?" I ask.
"Yes", he says.
I come to my senses a little. Quickly I leave the club.
I follow Julie.
I catch her up near to her house.
I say "Hi". But no more than that.
We walk along together back to her home.
We do not talk.
We do not touch.
These could be our last moments together. But neither of us know what to say or do.
It is painful to be with her like this.
We reach her house.
She looks at me, tears in her eyes, and says "So there's nothing else to be said then?"
I just look at the ground.
She says goodbye.
We do not arrange to meet.
She goes in.
And it seems to be OVER.
She goes over the same ground.
She tells me she thinks it is wonderful. That she loves me.
She mentions some of the things we do and have done together.
But she also insists that we must get engaged.
She tells me that she wants that more than anything else. And that, if I cant agree to it, then, obviously, I cant love her the same way she loves me.
And if that is the case, she goes on to say, then she wants us to split up.
She's already in too deep. And she cant get in any deeper without the commitment.
Finally, she tells me that I am to let her know what I think - definitively - at the youth club on Thursday. And that is this evening.
The day at work seems to be a life sentence. Interminable.
I feel I ought to ask some of my mates what to do. But I dont.
When it is time to go home, I dont want it to be. I'd rather just stay here at work and not go through this evening. But I am home earlier than usual.
I feel I ought to ask my parents what to do. But I dont.
On the way up the club I call for JR. We walk along the Heathway. And I remember doing the same thing with Julie just the other week...
Things were so much better then.
...
I arrive at the club.
The doors are open on this mild early summer evening.
I walk up the stairs. I dont speak to anyone.
I see Julie straight away. She does not come over.
I wait.
A few minutes pass.
She comes over to me.
Not the usual smile. But we do hug briefly. And we kiss briefly.
I say, "Shall we go outside".
We do.
A blackbird is singing. It is a lovely but sad evening song.
We talk.
But I'm not sure how much of it I am really aware of.
I'm not sure what is said. Or what is done.
Does any time pass? It must do so. Of course.
Then, at some point, I realise that she has gone.
And I walk back into the club. Climb the stairs. Legs heavy like lead.
I see JR and I ask him where Julie is.
He says she left, just, with her jacket.
"Was she upset?" I ask.
"Yes", he says.
I come to my senses a little. Quickly I leave the club.
I follow Julie.
I catch her up near to her house.
I say "Hi". But no more than that.
We walk along together back to her home.
We do not talk.
We do not touch.
These could be our last moments together. But neither of us know what to say or do.
It is painful to be with her like this.
We reach her house.
She looks at me, tears in her eyes, and says "So there's nothing else to be said then?"
I just look at the ground.
She says goodbye.
We do not arrange to meet.
She goes in.
And it seems to be OVER.
Monday 26th May 1980
We have been going out with each other for 46 days.
I find her more lovely than ever. And she feels the same way about me.
Yet, over an issue we cannot agree on, we argue.
And it is about to drive us apart.
With all the hate and horror in the world, how and why are things like this allowed to happen?
Over the park, on a warm evening, Julie and I are lying next to each other.
As on that immaculate evening - the 14th April - she lies with her head on my chest.
It is warmer now than it was then. The sky is lighter. The air almost sultry.
But, just as then, I can hear music being played a short distance away on the portable cassette player.
These are tracks by Magnum.
From the album entitled 'Kingdom of Madness'.
A kingdom Julie and I are just about to enter.
Music: Magnum, Kingdom of Madness
Lying there, watching birds high in the sky, at one point I ask her "Where would you be, now, if you could be anywhere?"
She doesnt respond immediately. Then she says "Just here. Like this".
What could be better than that?
Nothing.
But then, after a short pause, she continues...
"I want us to get engaged", she says, and "our getting engaged", is what she wants most of all.
And then she tells me - without any real hesitation - that "it is over" unless I agree to our getting engaged.
Oh God.
I only have to say "OK, fine", and she will turn her pretty face towards me and smile, she will kiss me and she will be very happy.
But I cannot say OK.
I just cannot say OK.
I know, I just know, that to do so would be wrong.
We would fall apart under the strain of being engaged.
Any marriage at our age - sixteen and seventeen - would be over in months.
I cannot say OK.
There is no reason for us to do this.
And so I say "No".
And so she immediately pulls herself away from me.
She sits up.
Tears in her pretty eyes.
Oh God.I want to stop those tears.
I want to cry my own.
I've never seen her look like this.
I don't want to see her look like this now.
She stands up.
"I'm going home".
I get up too.
I dont know what to do or say.
So I do nothing and say nothing.
I walk her home. But it is fraught. Tense. We barely talk.
Over the last few weeks we have said all there is to say about this.
At her house we agree to see each other up the club on Thursday.
She goes in.
We do not even hug.
I find her more lovely than ever. And she feels the same way about me.
Yet, over an issue we cannot agree on, we argue.
And it is about to drive us apart.
With all the hate and horror in the world, how and why are things like this allowed to happen?
Over the park, on a warm evening, Julie and I are lying next to each other.
As on that immaculate evening - the 14th April - she lies with her head on my chest.
It is warmer now than it was then. The sky is lighter. The air almost sultry.
But, just as then, I can hear music being played a short distance away on the portable cassette player.
These are tracks by Magnum.
From the album entitled 'Kingdom of Madness'.
A kingdom Julie and I are just about to enter.
Music: Magnum, Kingdom of Madness
Lying there, watching birds high in the sky, at one point I ask her "Where would you be, now, if you could be anywhere?"
She doesnt respond immediately. Then she says "Just here. Like this".
What could be better than that?
Nothing.
But then, after a short pause, she continues...
"I want us to get engaged", she says, and "our getting engaged", is what she wants most of all.
And then she tells me - without any real hesitation - that "it is over" unless I agree to our getting engaged.
Oh God.
I only have to say "OK, fine", and she will turn her pretty face towards me and smile, she will kiss me and she will be very happy.
But I cannot say OK.
I just cannot say OK.
I know, I just know, that to do so would be wrong.
We would fall apart under the strain of being engaged.
Any marriage at our age - sixteen and seventeen - would be over in months.
I cannot say OK.
There is no reason for us to do this.
And so I say "No".
And so she immediately pulls herself away from me.
She sits up.
Tears in her pretty eyes.
Oh God.I want to stop those tears.
I want to cry my own.
I've never seen her look like this.
I don't want to see her look like this now.
She stands up.
"I'm going home".
I get up too.
I dont know what to do or say.
So I do nothing and say nothing.
I walk her home. But it is fraught. Tense. We barely talk.
Over the last few weeks we have said all there is to say about this.
At her house we agree to see each other up the club on Thursday.
She goes in.
We do not even hug.
Mid May 1980
We met for just a handful of more nights before the first split.
The rio, once, the club maybe three times, and the park maybe three times or so.
In the eyes of everyone else, these nights were no different from the first.
Julie and I were always together and close.
Arm in arm. Or kissing.
And I dont think it felt any different for either of us.
In fact I think we were closer than ever in some ways.
Each said that the only thing they lived for from one day to the next was for the time spent with the other.
But... the problem came back.
And back.
And back.
Every evening consisted of getting on really well. Hugs. Kisses. Walking. Talking. Laughing.
But then - over the issue of getting engaged - we would argue.
The rio, once, the club maybe three times, and the park maybe three times or so.
In the eyes of everyone else, these nights were no different from the first.
Julie and I were always together and close.
Arm in arm. Or kissing.
And I dont think it felt any different for either of us.
In fact I think we were closer than ever in some ways.
Each said that the only thing they lived for from one day to the next was for the time spent with the other.
But... the problem came back.
And back.
And back.
Every evening consisted of getting on really well. Hugs. Kisses. Walking. Talking. Laughing.
But then - over the issue of getting engaged - we would argue.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Wednesday 14th May 1980
On Monday I phoned her and asked her to come and see me on Wednesday.
At my house.
I figured a whole evening together, at a different kind of place from usual, might help.
So Wednesday came around.
She arrived.
Looking as gorgeous as ever.
Shaggy blonde hair. Bright eyed. Seemingly without a care.
And really pleased to see me.
In addition, the evening sunshine seemed to promise a settlement, of some sort, of this thing that had somehow arisen between us.
But quickly it started to go wrong.
Sitting on the front door step, talking, we kept getting interrupted.
And the sun was too warm.
The traffic seemed to be noisier than usual.
I said we'd go and stand around the side. A bit more out of the way. And so we did.
I had a pair of nail clippers - with removable parts - which I was fiddling with whilst we talked. Every now and then a piece would fall off. She would bend down, pick it up and give it back to me. Then the same piece would fall off. And so it went on.
It seemed a metaphor for our conversation.
She said she loved me. As clear as that.
I said I felt the same about her.
Then she said we should become engaged.
I said no. It would change things and we were too young.
Well, in the end nothing was agreed.
And so, finally, as the sun began to set, we agreed that I'd walk her home via the park.
For a while we were together again.
As one.
We walked along the Heathway.
I half-watched her as we did so.
She seemed younger than ever.
Smaller too.
And even more playful.
Tugging my arm for this reason or that reason.
I wanted nothing more than to agree to marry her.
To make her as happy as she made me.
But I just knew I could not do it.
Whatever we felt, we were too young for that.
I just knew I could not marry her.
We walked around the park for a while.
It got dark.
But on leaving the park, and walking to her house, the problem came back.
And by the time I got to her house, neither of us felt like talking or doing much more than just saying goodnight.
We loved each other.
Loved being with each other.
Felt really strongly towards one another.
But we disagreed entirely and fundamentally over how we should stay that close or become even closer.
It was so lovely.
And yet it was falling apart.
Music: Judy Tzuke, Stay with me 'till dawn
At my house.
I figured a whole evening together, at a different kind of place from usual, might help.
So Wednesday came around.
She arrived.
Looking as gorgeous as ever.
Shaggy blonde hair. Bright eyed. Seemingly without a care.
And really pleased to see me.
In addition, the evening sunshine seemed to promise a settlement, of some sort, of this thing that had somehow arisen between us.
But quickly it started to go wrong.
Sitting on the front door step, talking, we kept getting interrupted.
And the sun was too warm.
The traffic seemed to be noisier than usual.
I said we'd go and stand around the side. A bit more out of the way. And so we did.
I had a pair of nail clippers - with removable parts - which I was fiddling with whilst we talked. Every now and then a piece would fall off. She would bend down, pick it up and give it back to me. Then the same piece would fall off. And so it went on.
It seemed a metaphor for our conversation.
She said she loved me. As clear as that.
I said I felt the same about her.
Then she said we should become engaged.
I said no. It would change things and we were too young.
Well, in the end nothing was agreed.
And so, finally, as the sun began to set, we agreed that I'd walk her home via the park.
For a while we were together again.
As one.
We walked along the Heathway.
I half-watched her as we did so.
She seemed younger than ever.
Smaller too.
And even more playful.
Tugging my arm for this reason or that reason.
I wanted nothing more than to agree to marry her.
To make her as happy as she made me.
But I just knew I could not do it.
Whatever we felt, we were too young for that.
I just knew I could not marry her.
We walked around the park for a while.
It got dark.
But on leaving the park, and walking to her house, the problem came back.
And by the time I got to her house, neither of us felt like talking or doing much more than just saying goodnight.
We loved each other.
Loved being with each other.
Felt really strongly towards one another.
But we disagreed entirely and fundamentally over how we should stay that close or become even closer.
It was so lovely.
And yet it was falling apart.
Music: Judy Tzuke, Stay with me 'till dawn
Sunday 11th May 1980
At the Red Welly. The issue was still there.
It was like we were now two different couples.
First there was Julie and I - who found being with each other to be wonderful.
Warm. The reason for life itself almost.
But, now, there was also another version of us.
It had come into being on Saturday 3rd May.
On the evening where we moved one small step along the road from childhood to adulthood.
This other version of us still wants us to be together.
But it seems somehow greedier.
It wants more than what we now have.
We can only stay together if we get engaged and then, soon, married.
But I couldnt see the need.
We were happy. And too young.
Julie could only see the need.
She wanted us to be "even more happy".
How could I disagree with that idea?
And yet here I was, disagreeing with it.
This difference between us was now real.
And it was not going to go away.
It was like we were now two different couples.
First there was Julie and I - who found being with each other to be wonderful.
Warm. The reason for life itself almost.
But, now, there was also another version of us.
It had come into being on Saturday 3rd May.
On the evening where we moved one small step along the road from childhood to adulthood.
This other version of us still wants us to be together.
But it seems somehow greedier.
It wants more than what we now have.
We can only stay together if we get engaged and then, soon, married.
But I couldnt see the need.
We were happy. And too young.
Julie could only see the need.
She wanted us to be "even more happy".
How could I disagree with that idea?
And yet here I was, disagreeing with it.
This difference between us was now real.
And it was not going to go away.
Friday 9th May 1980
Over the next few days, we meet, we do the "usual" things.
The park, the club and a visit to the Rio.
It all seems fine.
We walk along with my arm around her shoulders.
Her arm is always around my waist.
We are affectionate. We kiss.
But when I walk her home, after the Rio, on Friday, she brings up the idea of engagement again.
She makes it quite clear that she doesnt want us to get any closer than we are now - prior to getting engaged.
And yet, at the same time, she makes it quite clear that she does want us to get closer. Just as soon as we are engaged.
I want us to get closer too. But I don't want to get engaged.
I am only 17.
She is not long past 16 and still at school, planning to do A levels until 18.
We are having a great time.
We both feel a lot for each other.
Why the hell would we want to change that and get engaged?
What would that add?
Why cant we just take things as they are?
We argue for the first time.
It's no great row. We just differ. We disagree.
But it sours things.
I try to placate her by lying and saying that I am happy if we go no further. Just keep things as they are.
That seems to be the wrong thing to say. Creates the wrong impression.
"So you dont want us to get any closer?"
No. That's not what I meant. But I cant explain myself.
At her door, after a few brief kisses, she goes in.
I half-heartedly put it down to drink. We'd had too much to drink at the Rio.
At least that is what I told myself....
The park, the club and a visit to the Rio.
It all seems fine.
We walk along with my arm around her shoulders.
Her arm is always around my waist.
We are affectionate. We kiss.
But when I walk her home, after the Rio, on Friday, she brings up the idea of engagement again.
She makes it quite clear that she doesnt want us to get any closer than we are now - prior to getting engaged.
And yet, at the same time, she makes it quite clear that she does want us to get closer. Just as soon as we are engaged.
I want us to get closer too. But I don't want to get engaged.
I am only 17.
She is not long past 16 and still at school, planning to do A levels until 18.
We are having a great time.
We both feel a lot for each other.
Why the hell would we want to change that and get engaged?
What would that add?
Why cant we just take things as they are?
We argue for the first time.
It's no great row. We just differ. We disagree.
But it sours things.
I try to placate her by lying and saying that I am happy if we go no further. Just keep things as they are.
That seems to be the wrong thing to say. Creates the wrong impression.
"So you dont want us to get any closer?"
No. That's not what I meant. But I cant explain myself.
At her door, after a few brief kisses, she goes in.
I half-heartedly put it down to drink. We'd had too much to drink at the Rio.
At least that is what I told myself....
Sunday 4th May 1980
At the club on Sunday night everything seemed to be the same as before if not better.
In fact we are closer now than before.
We play pool together. Then we sneak off and snog outside the church below the Tower Room. It is dark and we want to get close again. But is this the right place? No.
Fortunately Norm comes out from the club for a quick cigarette. And he spots us.
"It's the meeting", he says.
And we need to go in for that.
Because it involves making a decision on where the annual coach trip should be.
After the meeting, Julie says she wants to talk to me.
Then she said we should leave the club and go over the park.
And so we do.
It's warm. And we sit together by the tall poplar trees, down by the lake.
She is tucked under my arm.
The water in front is dark blue.
Then shyly - but somehow not so shyly - Julie tells me that she thought last night was great.
I'm pleased to hear that.
But then she says she was also "kind of glad that we stopped" as we did because she didnt want to go futher.
I'm not so pleased to hear that.
"No", she said, probably sensing my thoughts, "It's not that.. I mean, as things are, we shouldnt go further..."
As things are?
Then it came out.
It was not that she didnt want me, but that she did want me.
And that, really, she felt that she wanted me too much.
And, she thought, if we were to go further, then, really, it might be best, if we should...
"What?" I sort of laughed.
"We should get engaged if we feel like that about each other".
This time I did laugh.
She laughed too. But she was serious. And then she told me not to laugh.
Well from then on, we didn't really mention it.
We sat for a while. We kissed a little.
And eventually she said she had to go home.
I walked her home and we talked about other things.
At her door we stood for a while and kissed.
And then she said it again - "We feel so much for each other, we should get engaged".
That was when I realised that she was being serious.
As I walked away, I hoped she was not being.
But unfortunately she was being.
In fact we are closer now than before.
We play pool together. Then we sneak off and snog outside the church below the Tower Room. It is dark and we want to get close again. But is this the right place? No.
Fortunately Norm comes out from the club for a quick cigarette. And he spots us.
"It's the meeting", he says.
And we need to go in for that.
Because it involves making a decision on where the annual coach trip should be.
After the meeting, Julie says she wants to talk to me.
Then she said we should leave the club and go over the park.
And so we do.
It's warm. And we sit together by the tall poplar trees, down by the lake.
She is tucked under my arm.
The water in front is dark blue.
Then shyly - but somehow not so shyly - Julie tells me that she thought last night was great.
I'm pleased to hear that.
But then she says she was also "kind of glad that we stopped" as we did because she didnt want to go futher.
I'm not so pleased to hear that.
"No", she said, probably sensing my thoughts, "It's not that.. I mean, as things are, we shouldnt go further..."
As things are?
Then it came out.
It was not that she didnt want me, but that she did want me.
And that, really, she felt that she wanted me too much.
And, she thought, if we were to go further, then, really, it might be best, if we should...
"What?" I sort of laughed.
"We should get engaged if we feel like that about each other".
This time I did laugh.
She laughed too. But she was serious. And then she told me not to laugh.
Well from then on, we didn't really mention it.
We sat for a while. We kissed a little.
And eventually she said she had to go home.
I walked her home and we talked about other things.
At her door we stood for a while and kissed.
And then she said it again - "We feel so much for each other, we should get engaged".
That was when I realised that she was being serious.
As I walked away, I hoped she was not being.
But unfortunately she was being.
Saturday 3rd May 1980
Saturday afternoon.For the first time we go out, up town, during the day. There was no reason for not having done so before. It just hadn't happened. (So... Julie called down for me. My mom fussed over her - as ever. And Julie sat smirking, white teeth, on the edge of the sofa as she is told another embarrassing story about my childhood. Just before we left mom asks me if we will be coming back here later? As she and dad will be out until late. "Yeah", I said,. "probably").
Up town Julie and I go to Reddingtons and the poster shop. JR and others are there. We all buy tickets for a concert. We all mess around for a few hours. In and out of the poster shop. Over to another bit of town and then back to here. Then, eventually, the long bus journey home. We feel tired and dusty from being up town.
At first it had been mild and grey. But then it had turned sunnier and a lot warmer.
Julie and I get off the bus at the top of the hill and she comes back to mine...
We go to my house. There is no-one in.
I put the TV on. We have something to eat.
Afterwards she says she is tired.
I ask her if she wants a shower or whatever.
She says "yes".
And so we go upstairs.
By now it is around 7pm.
Julie goes into the bathroom I switch the stero on in my bedroom. I play the Magnum LP 'we' have just bought up town.
Music: Magnum, Invasion
I light a few of those odd new jossticks. Open the window. Allowing in the mild, fresh evening air. The promise of summer to come. Then I sit fiddling with some tapes whilst the music plays....
Five or ten minutes pass.
Julie comes into my bedroom.
I act as if it is the most normal of occurrences for me. To have such a beautiful girl in my bedroom.
Julie sits on the edge of the bed.
We talk a bit. About music. And other daft stuff.
A little more time passes.
We talk some more. I change the music. Now it is Steve Hillage; the album Green.
I'm now sitting beside her on the bed.
Needless to say, within minutes, we are lying on the bed. Side by side. Kissing.
The music plays, the smoke from the jossticks drifts, the mild spring air fills the room.
My eyes seem to see her in a slow moving blurring vision. How can that be?
The music, the bass note rises. Becoming an ultra high note.
She is so young. And so perfect.
Moments like this ought to last forever.
Leylines to Glassdom.
Music: Steve Hillage, Leylines
Of course, all too soon it passes.
It starts to get darker outside.
Gradually Julie and I are falling asleep together. Which is, I think, all we both want to do. But it is, of course, impossible. We are too young. We have no space to do so much - and yet so little. We are too young.
And so from then on, we wake each other up.
I alter the music.
And soon, probably for the better, we go downstairs.
It is around 9.30pm.
Within minutes, the front door is opened. Mom and Dad are home.
Phew.
We all chat a while.
And then I walk Julie home. On this, yet another, fine spring evening. The smell of new life fills our lungs.
Sadly, sadly, so lost as I am in the joy of it all, that I am not observant enough to notice that something subtle has now changed....
Up town Julie and I go to Reddingtons and the poster shop. JR and others are there. We all buy tickets for a concert. We all mess around for a few hours. In and out of the poster shop. Over to another bit of town and then back to here. Then, eventually, the long bus journey home. We feel tired and dusty from being up town.
At first it had been mild and grey. But then it had turned sunnier and a lot warmer.
Julie and I get off the bus at the top of the hill and she comes back to mine...
We go to my house. There is no-one in.
I put the TV on. We have something to eat.
Afterwards she says she is tired.
I ask her if she wants a shower or whatever.
She says "yes".
And so we go upstairs.
By now it is around 7pm.
Julie goes into the bathroom I switch the stero on in my bedroom. I play the Magnum LP 'we' have just bought up town.
Music: Magnum, Invasion
I light a few of those odd new jossticks. Open the window. Allowing in the mild, fresh evening air. The promise of summer to come. Then I sit fiddling with some tapes whilst the music plays....
Five or ten minutes pass.
Julie comes into my bedroom.
I act as if it is the most normal of occurrences for me. To have such a beautiful girl in my bedroom.
Julie sits on the edge of the bed.
We talk a bit. About music. And other daft stuff.
A little more time passes.
We talk some more. I change the music. Now it is Steve Hillage; the album Green.
I'm now sitting beside her on the bed.
Needless to say, within minutes, we are lying on the bed. Side by side. Kissing.
The music plays, the smoke from the jossticks drifts, the mild spring air fills the room.
My eyes seem to see her in a slow moving blurring vision. How can that be?
The music, the bass note rises. Becoming an ultra high note.
She is so young. And so perfect.
Moments like this ought to last forever.
Leylines to Glassdom.
Music: Steve Hillage, Leylines
Of course, all too soon it passes.
It starts to get darker outside.
Gradually Julie and I are falling asleep together. Which is, I think, all we both want to do. But it is, of course, impossible. We are too young. We have no space to do so much - and yet so little. We are too young.
And so from then on, we wake each other up.
I alter the music.
And soon, probably for the better, we go downstairs.
It is around 9.30pm.
Within minutes, the front door is opened. Mom and Dad are home.
Phew.
We all chat a while.
And then I walk Julie home. On this, yet another, fine spring evening. The smell of new life fills our lungs.
Sadly, sadly, so lost as I am in the joy of it all, that I am not observant enough to notice that something subtle has now changed....
Last two weeks of April 1980
Over the next week or two, we go to the park, the youth club and the Rio.
Being with Julie doesnt lose any of it's wonder or sheer unbounded joy.
I love being able to sit in the youth club meetings with her and put my arm around her shoulders or have her cheekily tug me, when I'm playing pool, and then kiss me.
I love the fact that she looks like she does and chooses to be with me.
I love the quieter moments. The smell of her (indian oils) and of the spring air when we walk together.
And, still, of course, I love kissing her.
Sharing the softest and most wonderful moments together with someone so utterly alive.
And she feels just the same about me.
Being with Julie doesnt lose any of it's wonder or sheer unbounded joy.
I love being able to sit in the youth club meetings with her and put my arm around her shoulders or have her cheekily tug me, when I'm playing pool, and then kiss me.
I love the fact that she looks like she does and chooses to be with me.
I love the quieter moments. The smell of her (indian oils) and of the spring air when we walk together.
And, still, of course, I love kissing her.
Sharing the softest and most wonderful moments together with someone so utterly alive.
And she feels just the same about me.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Friday 18th April 1980
At the Rio.
Also, much as last time.
Fantastic.
A huge ego trip.
Afterwards, again we kiss at her door for a long while.
I love it all but... as I walk home... I decide that we must, just must, find some time and space to be alone.
Indoors. Listening to the music we want.
Stopping and starting as we want.
I didnt know it at the time, but this was the worst idea I had ever had.
Music: Bad Company, Feel like making love
Also, much as last time.
Fantastic.
A huge ego trip.
Afterwards, again we kiss at her door for a long while.
I love it all but... as I walk home... I decide that we must, just must, find some time and space to be alone.
Indoors. Listening to the music we want.
Stopping and starting as we want.
I didnt know it at the time, but this was the worst idea I had ever had.
Music: Bad Company, Feel like making love
Thursday 17th April 1980
At the youth club. Much as last Sunday. She gets there a bit late again. But when she does arrive she is really pleased to see me.
At the end of the night I walk her home. She talks so much. Moves so much. Always seems cheerful.
She is bright. And makes my life brighter.
We kiss at her door for a while.
She goes in.
I walk home.
Life could not be better.
At the end of the night I walk her home. She talks so much. Moves so much. Always seems cheerful.
She is bright. And makes my life brighter.
We kiss at her door for a while.
She goes in.
I walk home.
Life could not be better.
Monday 14th April 1980
Over the park.
Warm. Early evening. Sunshine.
Everyone is there.
And I am with Julie.
People separate into different small groups.
We all walk around lake. Talking to everyone.
But all the time. The whole evening. Julie and I remain together.
Holding hands or with her tucked under my arm.
Above the smells of spring I can smell this girl.
Almost taste her.
Denim rubs together.
Her hand is soft but not weak.
A small twig is tangled in her blond locks.
She lisps. I laugh. She pinches me.
Time passes...
Some people drift away.
It gets a little darker over the park. A little quieter.
The sun is setting or it may have just set.
But it stays mild.
It's not late. No more than 8pm. But for a short while Julie and I are alone.
We lie down side by side on the grass of the old sand hills. Facing towards the lake.
I recall seeing a carp in the water, once, many years ago. Just down below the sand hills. The hills were higher then. Sandier too.
I turn to Julie, her hair and beautiful young face so close by.
I tell her she smells wonderful. Like a wood after the rain.
She puts her head on me. We say nothing else but stare into the slowly darkening evening blue. The vastness above us.
The perfumes of spring rising all around.
I touch her hair. Then her lips. Her nose.
What is it that allows people to come together like this?
What miracle allows strangers to become so affectionate, so close?
Suddenly there is some music. It is a short distance away, on the big portable cassette player which Mod is carrying for me.
Music: Steve Hackett, Shadow of the hierophant
Julie turns her face to me. Smiles.
I want to kiss her but I do not.
Then we both shiver. Just a little.
We lie back.
And then we look up.
Once more.
Into the sky.
Side by side.
Suddenly I feel as if I know everything.
Oh God.
Stop the clock now!
Just now.
Here.
Like this.
I want to lie here forever with this girl at my side.
Whilst this tune opens the world up and, together, we slowly sink into the endless deep blue overhead...
Warm. Early evening. Sunshine.
Everyone is there.
And I am with Julie.
People separate into different small groups.
We all walk around lake. Talking to everyone.
But all the time. The whole evening. Julie and I remain together.
Holding hands or with her tucked under my arm.
Above the smells of spring I can smell this girl.
Almost taste her.
Denim rubs together.
Her hand is soft but not weak.
A small twig is tangled in her blond locks.
She lisps. I laugh. She pinches me.
Time passes...
Some people drift away.
It gets a little darker over the park. A little quieter.
The sun is setting or it may have just set.
But it stays mild.
It's not late. No more than 8pm. But for a short while Julie and I are alone.
We lie down side by side on the grass of the old sand hills. Facing towards the lake.
I recall seeing a carp in the water, once, many years ago. Just down below the sand hills. The hills were higher then. Sandier too.
I turn to Julie, her hair and beautiful young face so close by.
I tell her she smells wonderful. Like a wood after the rain.
She puts her head on me. We say nothing else but stare into the slowly darkening evening blue. The vastness above us.
The perfumes of spring rising all around.
I touch her hair. Then her lips. Her nose.
What is it that allows people to come together like this?
What miracle allows strangers to become so affectionate, so close?
Suddenly there is some music. It is a short distance away, on the big portable cassette player which Mod is carrying for me.
Music: Steve Hackett, Shadow of the hierophant
Julie turns her face to me. Smiles.
I want to kiss her but I do not.
Then we both shiver. Just a little.
We lie back.
And then we look up.
Once more.
Into the sky.
Side by side.
Suddenly I feel as if I know everything.
Oh God.
Stop the clock now!
Just now.
Here.
Like this.
I want to lie here forever with this girl at my side.
Whilst this tune opens the world up and, together, we slowly sink into the endless deep blue overhead...
Sunday 13th April 1980
At the youth club.
And Julie isnt there.
I soon get paranoid.
I act nonchalant whilst I clockwatch ever more nervously.
7.30 until 8.00 pm tonight is disco music.
8.00pm and the rock music half hour starts.
She still isn't there.
Mod asks me where Julie is.
I say she should be here.
We talk about this and that.
After a while he walks off. Goes downstairs.
It's now nearly 8.30pm. Time for the meeting.
A few minutes later Mod comes back up the stairs. He says "I know you aren't bothered but a certain girl has just come in".
WHEW!
Without wanting to look at all bothered I go downstairs as quickly as possible.
Then...
There she is.
Down by the door talking to a girl I do not know. She looks up. Sees me. A lovely big smile.
She walks to me and I, down the last few stairs, walk across to her.
We meet mid way and hug.
We kiss briefly.
There is nothing wrong.
Her aunt or something was visiting and she had to stay in until they had left.
A little while later, perhaps around 9.30pm, we are leaning against the wall of the church.
Outside the youth club. Just by the door. Under the Tower Room.
It's dark. But mild.
I dont know what we talk about. But we kiss a few times.
And all seems so well with the world.
At the end of the night, I walk her home.
Just as before.
We'll meet again tomorrow.
Go over the park. With everyone else.
On my seventeenth birthday.
And Julie isnt there.
I soon get paranoid.
I act nonchalant whilst I clockwatch ever more nervously.
7.30 until 8.00 pm tonight is disco music.
8.00pm and the rock music half hour starts.
She still isn't there.
Mod asks me where Julie is.
I say she should be here.
We talk about this and that.
After a while he walks off. Goes downstairs.
It's now nearly 8.30pm. Time for the meeting.
A few minutes later Mod comes back up the stairs. He says "I know you aren't bothered but a certain girl has just come in".
WHEW!
Without wanting to look at all bothered I go downstairs as quickly as possible.
Then...
There she is.
Down by the door talking to a girl I do not know. She looks up. Sees me. A lovely big smile.
She walks to me and I, down the last few stairs, walk across to her.
We meet mid way and hug.
We kiss briefly.
There is nothing wrong.
Her aunt or something was visiting and she had to stay in until they had left.
A little while later, perhaps around 9.30pm, we are leaning against the wall of the church.
Outside the youth club. Just by the door. Under the Tower Room.
It's dark. But mild.
I dont know what we talk about. But we kiss a few times.
And all seems so well with the world.
At the end of the night, I walk her home.
Just as before.
We'll meet again tomorrow.
Go over the park. With everyone else.
On my seventeenth birthday.
Friday 11th April 1980
The next day at work passes slowly and in a haze.
I'm constantly thinking over what happened last night. And I'm wondering what will happen tonight.
Will she still want to go out with me?
How could I be with someone as good looking as that? She's sure to change her mind.
And so it goes on...
I leave work on the dot at 5pm and go for the bus home as quickly as possible.
It seems to take forever to reach the bus stop.
The bus takes an age to arrive. And then seems to go as slowly as possible.
I just know I am going to be late.
I have to be there - there? at her house - for 6.45pm. Because I want to be getting on the usual 7.00pm bus. The bus we all catch every week. And I want to get on it tonight with her.
With Julie.
I long to see what looks I get - we get - from my mates, on that bus...
An hour later.
I do not need to walk to Julie's. A bus goes close by.
But I choose to walk.
Firstly I want to get there at exactly 6.45 - not late.
But also because I really really really want to see and feel the air on this wonderful April evening.
On what feels like the best evening of my life so far!
Past JR's house without calling for him. Past my old school. The telephone box. The 38 Shop. Along the main road. Turn into Hurst Lane."Oh God, oh God, oh God".
And then I am there.
At her house.
I want to ring the bell.
But I also want to run away.
What if she has changed her mind?
I ring it. Wait.
For a horrible moment I imagine she has told people not to answer the door.
I ring it again. Hearing with relief her voice from inside "Will someone get that, please!"
The door is opened. I guess it must be her mum.
Come in.
I do.
A bit awkward.
Julie is upstairs. Not yet ready.
I sit - a bit uneasy - in the living room. I dont know these folk at all. Never seen them before nor they me.
And fuck... it's five to seven. We're not going to make the usual bus. I'm not going to see my mates reaction ...
Then. There. In the doorway. She's ready.
What do I care about the bus or the pub!
Look at that.
The gorgeous lively face.
The pile of blonde hair.
The scruffy denims, baggy white kurta...
"OK?" is all she says.
"Yeah". I get up.
She shouts goodbye to her parents.
We leave. The door shuts behind us.
Spring. Mild air. Fragrant season. Fading sunlight.
"Lets go for the 55 bus", I say.
We do.
Hardly talking. And not touching. Just walking.
Bollocks. Theres the bus. And we wont get to it.
"Sod it", I say, "Lets go for the 93 instead".
We turn. Walk the opposite direction. No rush now. Not really.
We get to the end of Hurst Lane.
There are some people in the bus stop. But there is no sign of a bus.
I stop, turn and sit on a concrete step. In front of the shops.
A few feet back from the other people.
Julie stands up. Close by.
We talk a bit more. Not saying anything much.
We still don't touch.
Still no bus.
She fidgets around.
We talk more.
She fidgets about a bit more.
I pick up a few pieces of gravel. Then flick them away.
"Sit down here", I say.
She sits. Right beside me.
I look at her. The keen young face.
"Last night. You did kiss me didnt you?", I say.
"Yeah", she says.
I nod.
I can see the bus coming behind her. "Kiss me now then".
She leans towards me. We kiss.
And all the desperate anxiety of the last 24 hours drains straight away.
"Right". I say. "That's that".
I stand up. She looks puzzled.
I reach out my hand. She takes it. I pull her up.
"Here's the bus". I could see it coming just before I asked her to kiss me. We run to it.
She laughs and shouts "You bastard!" at me.
We get on the bus, holding hands.
She sits downstairs.
"Why down here".
It turns out that the people she has sat behind are her uncles and an aunt. Ah well. She talks to them. I look out the window and see familiar sites.
The bus reaches the stop for the 38 shop. Gary D gets on. He's going to the Rio. He sits downstairs by us. I talk to him.
The bus reaches the stop at the top of the woods. I tell her this is where she would have to get off to come to my house.
The bus reaches the Hunters. Some others get on who are going to the Rio. Gary D talks to them. I put my arm around her. She accepts it as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
Soon the bus reaches the Fox and Goose. We get up, get off. There is the Number 11 bus. We run across the road for that. Catch it. I pay. We go upstairs. We sit at the front. The bus moves off.
At the next stop all of my mates are still waiting for the bus. I can see them all, ahead, at the next bus stop. Ted, Mod, Witt, Norm, JR, Rav and one or two others.
The bus stops.
They all appear - one by one - at the top of the stairs. "Aye aye", says Mod. "Hello", says Rav. "Alright". And so it goes on. I feel as pleased as fuckin possible to be sitting there with my arm around - very obviously around - Julie. She says a few things to some of them. We all have a laugh. The bus moves off.
7.35 the Rio doors are already open. We all go straight in.
I let go of Julie's hand and ask her what she wants to drink. She's not sure. I tell her to go and sit over at 'our' table. Some of 'us lot' are already doing so.
I get the usual. Get her something or other. The place starts to fill up.
She's biting her lip. She often does that. It looks so very cute.
She's talking to JR.
Then Pat pipes up; "Do you go up the Youth Club?"
Julie says "Yes."
Pat. "Ah, I thought so. I knew I knew you from somewhere". Pause. "So what are you doing with him"
And so it goes on.....
An ordinary night at the Rio - music, beer, laughter and mates.
But for one massive difference.
I spend no time - or next to no time - away from Julie.
Just so that everyone can see I am with her.
And that she is with me.
Oh God, but when it's good, life can be just great!!!
Eventually. Too soon. 10.30 comes around. Gary Moore, Parisienne Walkways plays us all out.
Music: Gary Moore, Parisienne walkways
Everyone starts to leave. Julie goes too. I stop and talk to someone. Julie comes back in and over to me and grabs me.
"Come on!"
The buses back. As normal. But now I'm with her. And she is now one of us. No hesitation at all about joining in. Taking the piss. Albeit mostly out of me.
I dont get off where I normally do. But stay on to the bus to the same stop as Mod and Rav.
Julie and I get off there too.
We all talk briefly. Then I walk her home.
A fantastic buzz.
A fantastic night.
And it finishes on a high.
We kiss several times on her doorstep. Apart from that brief kiss earlier on, sitting waiting for the bus, it's the first time.
We've been together all evening. Talking. Close.
But only now, on the doorstep, in the mild evening air, do we get so close again as to feel faint with the sheer pleasure of it.
The evening finishes as we agree to meet up the club on Sunday.
I'm constantly thinking over what happened last night. And I'm wondering what will happen tonight.
Will she still want to go out with me?
How could I be with someone as good looking as that? She's sure to change her mind.
And so it goes on...
I leave work on the dot at 5pm and go for the bus home as quickly as possible.
It seems to take forever to reach the bus stop.
The bus takes an age to arrive. And then seems to go as slowly as possible.
I just know I am going to be late.
I have to be there - there? at her house - for 6.45pm. Because I want to be getting on the usual 7.00pm bus. The bus we all catch every week. And I want to get on it tonight with her.
With Julie.
I long to see what looks I get - we get - from my mates, on that bus...
An hour later.
I do not need to walk to Julie's. A bus goes close by.
But I choose to walk.
Firstly I want to get there at exactly 6.45 - not late.
But also because I really really really want to see and feel the air on this wonderful April evening.
On what feels like the best evening of my life so far!
Past JR's house without calling for him. Past my old school. The telephone box. The 38 Shop. Along the main road. Turn into Hurst Lane."Oh God, oh God, oh God".
And then I am there.
At her house.
I want to ring the bell.
But I also want to run away.
What if she has changed her mind?
I ring it. Wait.
For a horrible moment I imagine she has told people not to answer the door.
I ring it again. Hearing with relief her voice from inside "Will someone get that, please!"
The door is opened. I guess it must be her mum.
Come in.
I do.
A bit awkward.
Julie is upstairs. Not yet ready.
I sit - a bit uneasy - in the living room. I dont know these folk at all. Never seen them before nor they me.
And fuck... it's five to seven. We're not going to make the usual bus. I'm not going to see my mates reaction ...
Then. There. In the doorway. She's ready.
What do I care about the bus or the pub!
Look at that.
The gorgeous lively face.
The pile of blonde hair.
The scruffy denims, baggy white kurta...
"OK?" is all she says.
"Yeah". I get up.
She shouts goodbye to her parents.
We leave. The door shuts behind us.
Spring. Mild air. Fragrant season. Fading sunlight.
"Lets go for the 55 bus", I say.
We do.
Hardly talking. And not touching. Just walking.
Bollocks. Theres the bus. And we wont get to it.
"Sod it", I say, "Lets go for the 93 instead".
We turn. Walk the opposite direction. No rush now. Not really.
We get to the end of Hurst Lane.
There are some people in the bus stop. But there is no sign of a bus.
I stop, turn and sit on a concrete step. In front of the shops.
A few feet back from the other people.
Julie stands up. Close by.
We talk a bit more. Not saying anything much.
We still don't touch.
Still no bus.
She fidgets around.
We talk more.
She fidgets about a bit more.
I pick up a few pieces of gravel. Then flick them away.
"Sit down here", I say.
She sits. Right beside me.
I look at her. The keen young face.
"Last night. You did kiss me didnt you?", I say.
"Yeah", she says.
I nod.
I can see the bus coming behind her. "Kiss me now then".
She leans towards me. We kiss.
And all the desperate anxiety of the last 24 hours drains straight away.
"Right". I say. "That's that".
I stand up. She looks puzzled.
I reach out my hand. She takes it. I pull her up.
"Here's the bus". I could see it coming just before I asked her to kiss me. We run to it.
She laughs and shouts "You bastard!" at me.
We get on the bus, holding hands.
She sits downstairs.
"Why down here".
It turns out that the people she has sat behind are her uncles and an aunt. Ah well. She talks to them. I look out the window and see familiar sites.
The bus reaches the stop for the 38 shop. Gary D gets on. He's going to the Rio. He sits downstairs by us. I talk to him.
The bus reaches the stop at the top of the woods. I tell her this is where she would have to get off to come to my house.
The bus reaches the Hunters. Some others get on who are going to the Rio. Gary D talks to them. I put my arm around her. She accepts it as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
Soon the bus reaches the Fox and Goose. We get up, get off. There is the Number 11 bus. We run across the road for that. Catch it. I pay. We go upstairs. We sit at the front. The bus moves off.
At the next stop all of my mates are still waiting for the bus. I can see them all, ahead, at the next bus stop. Ted, Mod, Witt, Norm, JR, Rav and one or two others.
The bus stops.
They all appear - one by one - at the top of the stairs. "Aye aye", says Mod. "Hello", says Rav. "Alright". And so it goes on. I feel as pleased as fuckin possible to be sitting there with my arm around - very obviously around - Julie. She says a few things to some of them. We all have a laugh. The bus moves off.
7.35 the Rio doors are already open. We all go straight in.
I let go of Julie's hand and ask her what she wants to drink. She's not sure. I tell her to go and sit over at 'our' table. Some of 'us lot' are already doing so.
I get the usual. Get her something or other. The place starts to fill up.
She's biting her lip. She often does that. It looks so very cute.
She's talking to JR.
Then Pat pipes up; "Do you go up the Youth Club?"
Julie says "Yes."
Pat. "Ah, I thought so. I knew I knew you from somewhere". Pause. "So what are you doing with him"
And so it goes on.....
An ordinary night at the Rio - music, beer, laughter and mates.
But for one massive difference.
I spend no time - or next to no time - away from Julie.
Just so that everyone can see I am with her.
And that she is with me.
Oh God, but when it's good, life can be just great!!!
Eventually. Too soon. 10.30 comes around. Gary Moore, Parisienne Walkways plays us all out.
Music: Gary Moore, Parisienne walkways
Everyone starts to leave. Julie goes too. I stop and talk to someone. Julie comes back in and over to me and grabs me.
"Come on!"
The buses back. As normal. But now I'm with her. And she is now one of us. No hesitation at all about joining in. Taking the piss. Albeit mostly out of me.
I dont get off where I normally do. But stay on to the bus to the same stop as Mod and Rav.
Julie and I get off there too.
We all talk briefly. Then I walk her home.
A fantastic buzz.
A fantastic night.
And it finishes on a high.
We kiss several times on her doorstep. Apart from that brief kiss earlier on, sitting waiting for the bus, it's the first time.
We've been together all evening. Talking. Close.
But only now, on the doorstep, in the mild evening air, do we get so close again as to feel faint with the sheer pleasure of it.
The evening finishes as we agree to meet up the club on Sunday.
Thursday 10th April 1980
At the Red Welly youth club again.
Both the club and the Rio Grande had been shut for Easter.
I didnt mind too much that they had been shut, but tonight was a Thursday.
And Julie didn't seem to have noticed that the club was open on Thursdays as well as Sundays.
Or else she couldn't come on Thursdays for some reason.
I knew it was daft, but even though I had only seen her four times, and we had barely spoken to each other, it was already the case that I only wanted to go if she was going to be there.
But... I told myself... "I can still have a laugh with my mates and talk about what we plan to do the weekend".
And so I went to the club.
It's around 8pm.
I'm playing pool with JR and Witt. But my mind is elsewhere.
In the background. Fern Kinney starts to play again.
"Walked into my life.. taking over.. and it's beautiful."
I recall that this was playing the first time I saw Julie. And that makes me feel worse.
And then?
Julie walks into the pool room.
Wow.
Of course I play it cool. I dont even speak to her.
But I feel that she has just made my night.
Little did I realise what was about to come....
Later and the second set of music is over.
It's time for the club meeting.
We all sit in the music room - which doubles as the meeting room. The lights are turned on.
I dont recall what is talked about. The lights are bright. Julie isnt in the room.
After ten minutes or so the meeting is over.
The lights go out again.
Someone - Norm I think - starts playing some rock music.
It's something I'm not keen on so I decide to go back to the pool room.
Suddenly she is standing there - right in front of me.
I'm looking right into her gorgeous, lively face.
She tells me that, since coming to the youth club she has decided to dump her current boyfriend.
But that he is persistent. It has been hard to do. Now she has done it. This very night.
She has done it before. But he kind of pestered her to go back with him.
I tell her I understand. Whereas in truth, I'm not sure why she is telling me this or what I'm supposed to do.
Then she asks me, straight out: "Will I walk her home?"
To make sure that her ex- doesnt collar her this time.
Umm... Will I?
Wow. Yes. But of course I just say, "Oh, yeah, alright, sure".
"Now? "
There is almost another hour before the club shuts.
But she wants to go now.
"OK", I say again.
I go into the pool room.
Suddenly life, each step, the light, it all feels vague.
A little unreal. Like I'm drunk.
I tell JR that I am going. That I am walking Julie home. He is green with envy.
Back out of the pool room and Julie is ready to go.
We walk down the stairs together.
We leave the building.
It's dark. It's a bit chilly. I don't even know where she lives.
We walk off together. Having barely spoke more than two or three sentences to each other before. Having spent no time together alone before.
Wow, I can't believe she is here now.
By my side.
God knows what we do talk about, as we walk along. Whatever sounds coolest. Both of us.
There's no sign of her ex.
We walk on.
Time passes.
Distance passes too.
I dont want it to. This is too wonderful to end.
We go past the old library. Past the catholic church. The British Legion.
And all too soon here we are. At her house. A nice semi near the top end of Hurst Lane.
We stop.
Both fidget a little.
Talk a little.
Then she says she has to go in.
"Are you going to the Rio tomorrow?", I ask.
"Maybe", she answers. "I'm not sure..."
Someone walks past with their dog.
"Uh... Was it shut last week?" she asks.
"Yeah". I shrug. "For easter".
We say one or two other things. Nothing important.
I look at Julie.
She looks at me.
We are about two feet apart from each other. Maybe a little less.
"Dont I get a kiss for walking you home", I say.
I can't believe I say it.
But I do.
She smiles. Seems to become smaller, softer. More gorgeous. Nervous slight laugh. There is a bit of a flick of her head and hair.
"Oh, yeah. I suppose so".
O God!
I lean toward her, and we kiss.
Just briefly.
Lips on lips.
We pull back apart. Also just briefly.
I move a little closer to her. And she moves those last few inches towards me.
I put my arms around her. Then feel submerged under a huge wave of inner relief as she does the same to me.
I have a strange, hollow feeling as I understand that my arms draw her in. Her denim scrunches up against me, I feel the metal buttons. Her arms are now inside my coat and around my lower back.
We kiss again but longer.
Lips and then more than just lips.
And again.
Then, without letting go, embraced, we speak. But now much quieter. Much softer.
"Shall I come and pick you up. Tomorrow. Take you to the Rio?".
"Yeah".
I kiss her again.
"Oh, fuckin hell", I laugh, "You feel nice!"
She smiles. White teeth. Her face lights up.
"So do you", she says.
A few minutes more. More of the same.
Arrange tomorrow.
Talk about nothing.
Walk her slowly up the path to the door.
Another kiss or two.
"I've got to go".
"OK".
Hands held, say goodbye and then let go.
She goes in. The door shuts. I walk away.
All I can think is "Fuckin' hell. Fuckin' hell. Fuckin' hell".
How do I feel now?
Isnt THIS what being ALIVE really feels like?
I think things over. Slowly. Quickly. Over and over. All the walk home.
Home. Home and to bed.
With the most unbelievable sense of wonder and delight...
Both the club and the Rio Grande had been shut for Easter.
I didnt mind too much that they had been shut, but tonight was a Thursday.
And Julie didn't seem to have noticed that the club was open on Thursdays as well as Sundays.
Or else she couldn't come on Thursdays for some reason.
I knew it was daft, but even though I had only seen her four times, and we had barely spoken to each other, it was already the case that I only wanted to go if she was going to be there.
But... I told myself... "I can still have a laugh with my mates and talk about what we plan to do the weekend".
And so I went to the club.
It's around 8pm.
I'm playing pool with JR and Witt. But my mind is elsewhere.
In the background. Fern Kinney starts to play again.
"Walked into my life.. taking over.. and it's beautiful."
I recall that this was playing the first time I saw Julie. And that makes me feel worse.
And then?
Julie walks into the pool room.
Wow.
Of course I play it cool. I dont even speak to her.
But I feel that she has just made my night.
Little did I realise what was about to come....
Later and the second set of music is over.
It's time for the club meeting.
We all sit in the music room - which doubles as the meeting room. The lights are turned on.
I dont recall what is talked about. The lights are bright. Julie isnt in the room.
After ten minutes or so the meeting is over.
The lights go out again.
Someone - Norm I think - starts playing some rock music.
It's something I'm not keen on so I decide to go back to the pool room.
Suddenly she is standing there - right in front of me.
I'm looking right into her gorgeous, lively face.
She tells me that, since coming to the youth club she has decided to dump her current boyfriend.
But that he is persistent. It has been hard to do. Now she has done it. This very night.
She has done it before. But he kind of pestered her to go back with him.
I tell her I understand. Whereas in truth, I'm not sure why she is telling me this or what I'm supposed to do.
Then she asks me, straight out: "Will I walk her home?"
To make sure that her ex- doesnt collar her this time.
Umm... Will I?
Wow. Yes. But of course I just say, "Oh, yeah, alright, sure".
"Now? "
There is almost another hour before the club shuts.
But she wants to go now.
"OK", I say again.
I go into the pool room.
Suddenly life, each step, the light, it all feels vague.
A little unreal. Like I'm drunk.
I tell JR that I am going. That I am walking Julie home. He is green with envy.
Back out of the pool room and Julie is ready to go.
We walk down the stairs together.
We leave the building.
It's dark. It's a bit chilly. I don't even know where she lives.
We walk off together. Having barely spoke more than two or three sentences to each other before. Having spent no time together alone before.
Wow, I can't believe she is here now.
By my side.
God knows what we do talk about, as we walk along. Whatever sounds coolest. Both of us.
There's no sign of her ex.
We walk on.
Time passes.
Distance passes too.
I dont want it to. This is too wonderful to end.
We go past the old library. Past the catholic church. The British Legion.
And all too soon here we are. At her house. A nice semi near the top end of Hurst Lane.
We stop.
Both fidget a little.
Talk a little.
Then she says she has to go in.
"Are you going to the Rio tomorrow?", I ask.
"Maybe", she answers. "I'm not sure..."
Someone walks past with their dog.
"Uh... Was it shut last week?" she asks.
"Yeah". I shrug. "For easter".
We say one or two other things. Nothing important.
I look at Julie.
She looks at me.
We are about two feet apart from each other. Maybe a little less.
"Dont I get a kiss for walking you home", I say.
I can't believe I say it.
But I do.
She smiles. Seems to become smaller, softer. More gorgeous. Nervous slight laugh. There is a bit of a flick of her head and hair.
"Oh, yeah. I suppose so".
O God!
I lean toward her, and we kiss.
Just briefly.
Lips on lips.
We pull back apart. Also just briefly.
I move a little closer to her. And she moves those last few inches towards me.
I put my arms around her. Then feel submerged under a huge wave of inner relief as she does the same to me.
I have a strange, hollow feeling as I understand that my arms draw her in. Her denim scrunches up against me, I feel the metal buttons. Her arms are now inside my coat and around my lower back.
We kiss again but longer.
Lips and then more than just lips.
And again.
Then, without letting go, embraced, we speak. But now much quieter. Much softer.
"Shall I come and pick you up. Tomorrow. Take you to the Rio?".
"Yeah".
I kiss her again.
"Oh, fuckin hell", I laugh, "You feel nice!"
She smiles. White teeth. Her face lights up.
"So do you", she says.
A few minutes more. More of the same.
Arrange tomorrow.
Talk about nothing.
Walk her slowly up the path to the door.
Another kiss or two.
"I've got to go".
"OK".
Hands held, say goodbye and then let go.
She goes in. The door shuts. I walk away.
All I can think is "Fuckin' hell. Fuckin' hell. Fuckin' hell".
How do I feel now?
Isnt THIS what being ALIVE really feels like?
I think things over. Slowly. Quickly. Over and over. All the walk home.
Home. Home and to bed.
With the most unbelievable sense of wonder and delight...
Sunday 30th March 1980
The youth club. The Red Welly.
I made a point of speaking to Julie again.
But once more she seemed disinterested. Her mind was elsewhere.
Sod her, I thought.
But I didnt feel that. I just felt fed up.
Again.
I made a point of speaking to Julie again.
But once more she seemed disinterested. Her mind was elsewhere.
Sod her, I thought.
But I didnt feel that. I just felt fed up.
Again.
Friday 28th March 1980
Friday night. End of the week.
At the Rio Grande. Yew Tree. Yardley. Rock club.
I had been going to the Rio for over a year. Every Friday.
So I'm sure I would have known if Julie had been there before.
I would have noticed her and remembered her face.
Well, this week, this Friday, Julie was there. For the first time.
As we sat at 'our' tables - the first in as usual - we watched all the others begin to arrive, the place begin to fill up.
Then, suddenly, there she was. At the Rio.
She came in with two or three other people. All of them came over to our tables.
They didnt sit. But stood just off the tables between us and the dance floor.
And then the club carried on filling up.
Music: Saxon, Wheels of steel
During the evening Julie mixed a bit with some of us. But still didnt sit with us.
She couldnt really mix. Not that close.
There were lots of us. Regulars. We all knew each other well.
She was peripheral. New.
I could see her though. Lively. Talkative. She smiled a lot. White teeth.
She seemed chatty. Playful.
And I could hear her voice too.
She had a lovely voice. Sexy. Husky-ish.
Was there a slight lisp?
Yes. I think so. Not all the time but now and then.
How cute.... I loved that.
I got up and went to the bar.
My sleeve was tugged.
It was her.
"Hello.... (she made some comment)".
"Hello. (I asked some daft question)?".
She replied.
We spoke briefly.
But no more than that.
This wasnt the indifference of last Sunday.
But, then, it didnt seem to be much more than a girl keen to make herself known and liked.
After another minute or so I went to the bar.
I'm not sure we spoke again that night. But I could hear her.
Saw her once or twice. Long blonde hair.
Then it was home time.
We all arsed around as per usual on the bus home. Paid no attention to anyone but ourselves.
At the Rio Grande. Yew Tree. Yardley. Rock club.
I had been going to the Rio for over a year. Every Friday.
So I'm sure I would have known if Julie had been there before.
I would have noticed her and remembered her face.
Well, this week, this Friday, Julie was there. For the first time.
As we sat at 'our' tables - the first in as usual - we watched all the others begin to arrive, the place begin to fill up.
Then, suddenly, there she was. At the Rio.
She came in with two or three other people. All of them came over to our tables.
They didnt sit. But stood just off the tables between us and the dance floor.
And then the club carried on filling up.
Music: Saxon, Wheels of steel
During the evening Julie mixed a bit with some of us. But still didnt sit with us.
She couldnt really mix. Not that close.
There were lots of us. Regulars. We all knew each other well.
She was peripheral. New.
I could see her though. Lively. Talkative. She smiled a lot. White teeth.
She seemed chatty. Playful.
And I could hear her voice too.
She had a lovely voice. Sexy. Husky-ish.
Was there a slight lisp?
Yes. I think so. Not all the time but now and then.
How cute.... I loved that.
I got up and went to the bar.
My sleeve was tugged.
It was her.
"Hello.... (she made some comment)".
"Hello. (I asked some daft question)?".
She replied.
We spoke briefly.
But no more than that.
This wasnt the indifference of last Sunday.
But, then, it didnt seem to be much more than a girl keen to make herself known and liked.
After another minute or so I went to the bar.
I'm not sure we spoke again that night. But I could hear her.
Saw her once or twice. Long blonde hair.
Then it was home time.
We all arsed around as per usual on the bus home. Paid no attention to anyone but ourselves.
Sunday 23rd March 1980
Julie - the 'new' girl - showed up at the youth club again.
As I really hoped she would.
I spoke to her briefly.
But she seemed kind of disinterested.
And that spoiled the rest of the night.
Of course I told myself all the usual rubbish; "What do I care", all that sort of stuff.
But actually I felt really fed up.
As I really hoped she would.
I spoke to her briefly.
But she seemed kind of disinterested.
And that spoiled the rest of the night.
Of course I told myself all the usual rubbish; "What do I care", all that sort of stuff.
But actually I felt really fed up.
Sunday 16th March 1980
At the Red Welly youth club.
In the dimly lit music room, a song was playing, a disco track by Fern Kinney, ".. walked into my life... together we are beautiful...". I liked the track but walked out of the room all the same. It wasn't rock music. So it didnt look 'cool' to stick around tapping along... and, besides, I wanted a game of pool.
Out in the corridor, just above the stairwell, I could see the 'new' girl.
Music: Fern Kinney, Together we are beautiful
She was blonde. Very (!) good looking. A bit short - but only a bit.
She had denims on. A jacket and jeans. And a white cotton top underneath the jacket.
She was here with a friend - and seemed to know one or two other people.
In the background the music played on.
I looked at her. She glanced at me. She seemed animated. A lively person.
But I didnt go and speak to her. You just didnt do that.
Instead I went into the pool room and started to play a game with Witt or maybe Norm.
After a game or two, the new girl came into the pool room.
She said something - I think she took the piss out of one of us.
She seemed kind of cheeky for a new girl. She didnt seem to care.
I still didnt speak to her. The night wore on...
The club opened at 7.30pm and closed at 10pm.
That night, as I waited at the bottom of the stairs for JR, by the open door - the night outside dark and chilly - the new girl came down the stairs.
She stopped. Square in front of me.
She spoke directly to me.
Making some cheeky observation.
I laughed.
We spoke briefly.
Then she left.
JR came down. "Was that the new girl?".
"Yeah".
"Her name is Julie", he said, "she's really nice looking".
I thought so too.
In the dimly lit music room, a song was playing, a disco track by Fern Kinney, ".. walked into my life... together we are beautiful...". I liked the track but walked out of the room all the same. It wasn't rock music. So it didnt look 'cool' to stick around tapping along... and, besides, I wanted a game of pool.
Out in the corridor, just above the stairwell, I could see the 'new' girl.
Music: Fern Kinney, Together we are beautiful
She was blonde. Very (!) good looking. A bit short - but only a bit.
She had denims on. A jacket and jeans. And a white cotton top underneath the jacket.
She was here with a friend - and seemed to know one or two other people.
In the background the music played on.
I looked at her. She glanced at me. She seemed animated. A lively person.
But I didnt go and speak to her. You just didnt do that.
Instead I went into the pool room and started to play a game with Witt or maybe Norm.
After a game or two, the new girl came into the pool room.
She said something - I think she took the piss out of one of us.
She seemed kind of cheeky for a new girl. She didnt seem to care.
I still didnt speak to her. The night wore on...
The club opened at 7.30pm and closed at 10pm.
That night, as I waited at the bottom of the stairs for JR, by the open door - the night outside dark and chilly - the new girl came down the stairs.
She stopped. Square in front of me.
She spoke directly to me.
Making some cheeky observation.
I laughed.
We spoke briefly.
Then she left.
JR came down. "Was that the new girl?".
"Yeah".
"Her name is Julie", he said, "she's really nice looking".
I thought so too.
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