Monday 26th May 1980

We have been going out with each other for 46 days.
I find her more lovely than ever. And she feels the same way about me.
Yet, over an issue we cannot agree on, we argue.
And it is about to drive us apart.
With all the hate and horror in the world, how and why are things like this allowed to happen?

Over the park, on a warm evening, Julie and I are lying next to each other.
As on that immaculate evening - the 14th April - she lies with her head on my chest.
It is warmer now than it was then. The sky is lighter. The air almost sultry.
But, just as then, I can hear music being played a short distance away on the portable cassette player.
These are tracks by Magnum.
From the album entitled 'Kingdom of Madness'.
A kingdom Julie and I are just about to enter. 

Music: Magnum, Kingdom of Madness

Lying there, watching birds high in the sky, at one point I ask her "Where would you be, now, if you could be anywhere?"
She doesnt respond immediately. Then she says "Just here. Like this".
What could be better than that?
Nothing.
But then, after a short pause, she continues... 
"I want us to get engaged", she says, and "our getting engaged", is what she wants most of all.
And then she tells me - without any real hesitation - that "it is over" unless I agree to our getting engaged. 

Oh God.
I only have to say "OK, fine", and she will turn her pretty face towards me and smile, she will kiss me and she will be very happy.
But I cannot say OK.
I just cannot say OK.
I know, I just know, that to do so would be wrong. 
We would fall apart under the strain of being engaged.
Any marriage at our age - sixteen and seventeen - would be over in months.
I cannot say OK.
There is no reason for us to do this.
And so I say "No".  
And so she immediately pulls herself away from me. 
She sits up.
Tears in her pretty eyes.
Oh God.I want to stop those tears.
I want to cry my own.
I've never seen her look like this.
I don't want to see her look like this now.  
She stands up.
"I'm going home".
I get up too.
I dont know what to do or say.
So I do nothing and say nothing.
I walk her home. But it is fraught. Tense. We barely talk.
Over the last few weeks we have said all there is to say about this.
At her house we agree to see each other up the club on Thursday. 
She goes in.
We do not even hug.