Wednesday 14th May 1980

On Monday I phoned her and asked her to come and see me on Wednesday. 
At my house. 
I figured a whole evening together, at a different kind of place from usual, might help.
 
So Wednesday came around.
She arrived.
Looking as gorgeous as ever.
Shaggy blonde hair. Bright eyed. Seemingly without a care.
And really pleased to see me.
In addition, the evening sunshine seemed to promise a settlement, of some sort, of this thing that had somehow arisen between us.
But quickly it started to go wrong.
Sitting on the front door step, talking, we kept getting interrupted.
And the sun was too warm.
The traffic seemed to be noisier than usual.
I said we'd go and stand around the side. A bit more out of the way. And so we did.
I had a pair of nail clippers - with removable parts - which I was fiddling with whilst we talked. Every now and then a piece would fall off. She would bend down, pick it up and give it back to me. Then the same piece would fall off. And so it went on.
It seemed a metaphor for our conversation.
She said she loved me. As clear as that.
I said I felt the same about her.
Then she said we should become engaged.
I said no. It would change things and we were too young.
Well, in the end nothing was agreed. 
And so, finally, as the sun began to set, we agreed that I'd walk her home via the park.
 
For a while we were together again.
As one.
 
We walked along the Heathway.
I half-watched her as we did so.
She seemed younger than ever.
Smaller too.
And even more playful.
Tugging my arm for this reason or that reason.
I wanted nothing more than to agree to marry her.
To make her as happy as she made me.
But I just knew I could not do it.
Whatever we felt, we were too young for that.
I just knew I could not marry her.
We walked around the park for a while.
It got dark.
But on leaving the park, and walking to her house, the problem came back.
And by the time I got to her house, neither of us felt like talking or doing much more than just saying goodnight.
We loved each other.
Loved being with each other.
Felt really strongly towards one another.
But we disagreed entirely and fundamentally over how we should stay that close or become even closer.
It was so lovely.
And yet it was falling apart. 

Music: Judy Tzuke, Stay with me 'till dawn